Page 20 of Lost in Love

Me: Did you really watch her porno?

Kate: YES! She’s like, famous AF.

Me: Why am I curious?

Kate: Because admit it, she’s hot.

Me: That’s not why….

Kate: Ok, that’s why I watched it.

Me: Uh-huh.

Kate: I wonder if she does a “take your daughter to work” day.

Me: You’re not her daughter tho.

Kate: So?

Me: Why would you want to go to work with her?

Kate: Because I want to meet these guys she’s fucking. Some look like they could really do some work on my pelvic floor.

Me: Oh my God….

Kate: Whatever. Stop judging me. You’re married.

Me: Clearly that means nothing when it comes to sex.

Kate: Just fuck your husband already. Grab him by the dick tip and make him love you!

Me: Well, if I grab him by the dick tip, pretty sure that will lead to something.

Kate: Believe me, gurl, divorce isn’t always better! Btw, Ashlynn’s clit is pierced. I’m thinking of getting one. Wanna do it too?

Me: Goodnight, Kate.

Clit ring? She’s lost her mind. Kate’s right on some level, and between you and me, I don’t want a divorce. Far from it. I want to make this work. I love Noah. I love who I am with him. I just don’t like what we’ve become.

What’s my plan for getting past the distance? Sex. We started with sex. Surely we remembered how it worked. I might be questioning our relationship and where it’s heading in the wake of our daughter’s death, but if anything could fix the void between us, it could be sex, right? My therapist would be frowning, and you might be too, thinking to yourself, that’s incredibly unhealthy, Kelly. The thing is, I’m willing to do anything to escape my own head most days, and if that means fucking my husband because I want to avoid what’s really happening between us, I’m going to do that.

So I think, not a good idea this late at night and after two glasses of wine, but I think I should watch Ashlynn’s videos. It can go one of two ways. I’ll get some ideas, or I’ll never be able to talk to our neighbor again. But seriously, it’s not every day you find out your neighbor’s a porn star. I kind of want to see how a professional is doing it.

Two minutes in and I’m slightly disturbed by what I’m watching, and strangely, turned on. I won’t go as far to say I’m learning anything new, but it gets me thinking that this might be our answer to finding the spark again. Maybe I could try some of this on Noah? Does he want me to suck his cock to the point my mascara’s all over my face? Does he want me to choke on it? I feel like I should be taking notes on positions and her technique. Like maybe I could interview her.

And then Noah walks in. Yep. So that happened. I reacted as any wife watching porn would. I threw the evidence, aka the iPad, at the wall. It hits with a thud, takes a chunk out of the drywall and then cracks the screen.

Fuck. He’s going to be pissed about that one.

Double fuck… it’s still playing the porno.

My hands restlessly fidget with the hem of my shirt, my cheeks a burning shade of bright fucking red. I’m serious. They’re so hot I think I can fry an egg on it. I’ve never in my life been that embarrassed. Finally, I glance up at my husband’s prying eyes. “I… uh…. I got nothing.”

Noah tips his head at the screen, trying to decipher what’s on it. When he hears moaning and the words “Fuck my ass with your cock,” it’s pretty much a dead giveaway as to what’s going down there. Now for his reaction. Will he be mad? Will he laugh? Will he be hurt that I’d been watching porn without him?

Naturally, my fucking husband bursts out laughing. And I’m not talking about a chuckle or a cute little snicker. The motherfucker is doubled over holding his stomach like it’s the funniest goddamn thing he’s ever seen in his life. Funnier than when Oliver told my mother at age three, “Make my fucking lunch!” when she took too long preparing his macaroni and cheese.

“Are you fucking watching porn without me?” And then he’s ripping off his clothes like he’s Finley and I said it’s bath time. “Let me see what you’re watching?”

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