Page 62 of Lost in Love

Anyway, as it approached an hour of him being in there, I’d had enough of him being in there, opened the stall door and sprayed him with a fire extinguisher. When he emerged, he looked white-washed, laughed, and then proceeded to throw up for three hours. Apparently, he was allergic to it.

That incident basically started a war between the two of us and ended with him punching me yesterday. Naturally, I defended myself. And in turn, now we’re under review by HR.

You know who should be under review?

My fucking brother. Because the first thing I walk in on when I get to work is him and Ava fucking in his office when I’m looking for the key to the shop because it’s locked for some reason. Which also tells me that Ryker didn’t show up to work today because he’s the one that opens the shop up in the morning. But back to the more important, and rather awkward moment, I’m stuck in. Me seeing my brother fucking someone who is not his wife. You’re not surprised, are you?

Didn’t think so. I wonder how surprised he’d be if he knows I’m holding his kids in my hand while he’s being a shady son of a bitch?

What I think is a surprise is their reaction as if her dress found its way up around her waist and his pants to the floor just happened by accident.

“It’s not what it looks like” is what Ava says.

That’s definitely what she said.

And my brother, he doesn’t say anything but the look on his face screams, you didn’t see anything. As he tucks himself into his pants, he glares at me. “Can’t you knock?”

Anger rushes through me, and I’m not even sure why because this isn’t my situation. It’s one of those moments when you start shaking because you can’t form a thought, let alone calm your body down. This isn’t my life and I shouldn’t care who my brother fucks. But I do because I’ve always liked Xianna. It also pisses me off that my brother turned out to be such a shitty person who cheats on their wife.

I look at Ava, whose face is a bright shade of red as she’s righting her dress and looking for what I assume might be her panties. They’re on Nick’s desk beside the condom wrapper, but I’m not about to tell her that. “You know he’s married, right?” I seethe. It’s as if I spit the words in her face. I hold the bag up. “I just talked to his wife. I guess you forgot you two were trying to make a baby.”

Ava flinches, then snaps her eyes to Nick. “I uh….”

“Don’t tell me you didn’t know. You’d think the ring on his finger would give it away.”

Nick slams his fist into his desk, his fire-lit eyes raising to mine. “Noah, get the fuck out!”

After setting the bag down, I stand in the doorway with my arms crossed. “Are you going to tell Xianna?” I don’t know why this bothers me so much, but if I had to guess, I think it has everything to do with the fact that my wife and I’ve been through hell and back and we’re still making it work. And my question isn’t a question. It’s more of a demand. It’s an ultimatum because she deserves to know.

Ava smooths out her dress, her words shaking as she pushes past me. “Excuse me.”

I cock my head to the side, my lips in a flat line of disapproval. “You’re fucking up.”

I can see it on his face. He doesn’t like that me, of all people, is the one to catch him. Maybe because I’m the little brother, or maybe because he knows if anyone is going to hold him accountable for his actions, it’s me.

“It’s none of your business,” he finally says, his tone defiant.

“But it is because you didn’t lock your goddamn door. Are you going to tell Xianna?”

Without meeting my judgmental stare, his eyes drift to the condom wrapper, the panties next to it and then the photograph of his wife on the desk. “No. I’m not going to break her heart like that, and you better not tell her either. This is between me and her.”

Admit it, you want to punch him too, don’t you? My head pounds in my temples, bitterness on my tongue. “You mean you, her, and this bag of her cheating spunk?”

“Noah.” He shakes his head, his hands clasped in front of his mouth now as if he’s contemplating his next words. And they only piss me off more. “You have no idea what it’s like not to be able to give your wife what she wants.”

Ha. Fucking. Ha. Yeah, I have no idea what it’s like to want to give your daughter her life back. Or take away the pain of watching her die in your arms. But you know what kills me? The fact that he thinks because he can’t give his wife a baby, that’s worth cheating. I know the feeling of being defeated. In all the moments of the night Mara died, the memories, before and after, the one that haunts me the most is the one of her last breath and the look of complete fucking devastation between Kelly and I. The one where we knew, from this moment on, we would never be the same people.

My breathing intensifies, and it’s like I’m living that night over again, even though these two have nothing to do with one another. But then again, they do. “I can’t believe you.” My words shake, my reality for disguising the two situations nearly invisible. “You’re a piece of shit.”

“You have no idea what it’s like,” he snaps, believing his own bullshit excuses.

“You know, something happens to people when they lose a child. Maybe it happens when you lose someone close to you too, but a child, this is when this hits home for you. Possessions, money, the perfect life, it’s meaningless. It doesn’t exist for anyone, and once you lose part of your soul, that’s when it becomes your reality, and you can see past people’s shit. Suddenly, you find yourself less forgiving of their excuses and more focused on the fact that they’re wasting precious time. I should really be telling myself this in one sense or another, but cheating on your wife because you fear you can’t give her what she wants, that’s just a poor excuse for covering up the fact that you’re not manning up.” It’s at this point, right then, I lose my shit on him. “You’re such a self-centered prick. You have no idea what it’s like.”

With his jaw clenched, Nick stands and comes closer. We stand toe to toe. Then he shoves me back away from him. “You don’t either. Your marriage is perfect, and you’ve given your wife everything she’s wanted. I can’t give Xia the thing she wants most in the world.”

Perfect? Does that exist? I don’t know anyone with a perfect relationship. “Perfect?” I snort. “You think it’s fucking perfect? We lost our daughter. Our seven-year-old daughter. That right here destroys you.” I take a step toward him, our eyes locked on one another. His fire, mine ice. “Don’t talk to me about your reasons until you have to look into your wife’s eyes as you’re holding your daughter’s lifeless body and hoping to fucking hell you guys make it through the next minute, let alone your marriage surviving. That’s hard. That’s the kind of shit that destroys you. You don’t see me fucking around on Kel, do you?”

“So what, because you lost your daughter you’re suddenly the expert in marriage?”

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