Page 65 of Lost in Love

“I—” I get cut off. I was just about to tell her I’m game, but she’s looking past me into the backyard where Hazel and Oliver were playing.

“Why is she walking like that?”

I look over my shoulder to see Hazel walking up the steps to the back porch with her arms out like she’s carrying a glass bubble. Oliver’s beside her looking a bit guilty with his pellet gun in his hand.

My first thought is that he shot her with it. And I pray it’s not that. I don’t see any blood but then again, a pellet gun wouldn’t pierce the skin.

I rush out to see what’s the matter. “Hazel, why are you walking like that?”

Her nervous eyes find mine. “I might blow up.”

“What?” Kelly asks, running to her side. “Why?”

“I swallowed BB’s,” she whispers, carefully stepping toward us.

My eyes widen in disbelief and immediately I’m looking at Oliver, who’s white as a ghost. “It was an accident.” Dropping the pellet gun to the ground, he holds up his hands, his cheeks red as sweat glistens on his forehead. “I swear.”

I kneel to Hazel’s level holding her face in my hands. “Why did you swallow them? What would make you put them in your mouth?”

Tears slide down her flushed cheeks and she hiccups. “We were climbing a tree so we could shoot the coyotes,” she explains through another round of hiccups. “Oliver told me to put them in my mouth until we got to the top, and then I was supposed to spit them out.” Her eyes widen. “I didn’t.”

My eyes slide to my son and I don’t know, but I think I’m glaring at the little shit. He promised he’d be nice to her. “Why did you do that?” I snap.

He swallows, blinking rapidly. “I smacked her back thinking she’d spit them out, but she swallowed them all!” Oliver explains, shifting his weight from one foot to the other as if he has to pee, or he knows he’s in trouble. “I didn’t do it on purpose. I didn’t think she’d swallow them. I swear. Please don’t ground me,” he begs. “I really want to go fishing.”

Hazel cups her hands over mine on her face. “Am I going to die and go see Mara now?”

“No!” I assure her, holding her to my chest. “It’s fine.” I know it’s fine because I myself have swallowed them in the past. Big brothers are assholes sometimes and I was naïve enough at six to think if I swallowed BB’s, I could fart fire. Which seemed like a pretty cool superpower to have.

“Daddy.” Hazel gasps, wiggling from my arms and placing her hand over my heart. “Your heart is beating loud.”

I don’t reply. Instead, I hold her, and for a moment, I forget it’s Hazel I’m holding because she feels a lot like Mara did. Oliver’s watching us, a furrow to his brow, but then he sighs and walks inside the house.

Kelly follows him, and I stay there, on the porch hugging my daughter. When I pull back, because I need to before I start crying, Hazel’s eyes find mine, and I’m reminded she’s not Mara. She’s completely different from her in looks, but her heart, it’s just like her sister’s, full of love for her brother. So much so she’d hold BB’s in her mouth because he asked her to.

I touch her cheek. “Don’t put BB’s in your mouth, sweetie. It’s not good for you.”

She blinks slowly, her hands on my shirt as she runs her fingers back and forth of the seam on the collar. “So I won’t die?”

“No. Not for a long time.”

“Why did Mara die then? Why did she not die for a long time?”

I swallow over the lump lodged in my throat, tears stinging my eyes. “Because Mara was sick,” I choke out, my breathing heavy. “It was her time to go.”

I hate explaining this. Even when Mara died, Kelly and I didn’t tell the kids. A social worker came in and explained it to them. But even then, Hazel was four. I’m not sure she understood any of it at the time. Now, she’s left with curiosity and confusion as to what happened.

Hazel sighs. “Okay.” And then takes off inside the house. I hear her yell to Ella, who’s taking the pizza out of the oven. “Do you think if I eat pizza, the BB’s in my belly will pop?”

Ella gasps. “Silly girl, why’d you eat those?”

“It was an accident.”

I make my way back inside the house. I find Kelly upstairs in Oliver’s room where believe it or not, he’s crying and has a pillow over his face. She’s rubbing his arm, talking softly to him. “We’re not mad, buddy. You just gotta be very careful with your sisters.”

“I didn’t mean to fall on her. I didn’t.”

I close my eyes and press my forehead into the doorframe. He’s not crying about Hazel and the BB’s. He’s talking about Mara, and I want this fucking day to end. I want to lock myself in a room with a bottle of whiskey and drink the entire goddamn thing.

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