Page 75 of Lost in Love

Kate rolls her eyes. “Whatever.”

My gaze catches Noah as he leans against the counter in the kitchen, he and Bonner talking, his arms crossed over his chest. For a moment, we stare at one another. I want to know what he’s thinking, but then again, maybe I don’t.

“So how was last night?” Kate asks Gretchen. She had a date with a new guy she has yet to tell us about.

Guess who set her up? Ashlynn.

“Awful.” Gretchen groans.

“Why?” Charlee pries, just as curious.

“My legs were behind my ears.” Rubbing down her thighs, she looks terrified. “My legs burn today.”

I smile for the first time tonight. “And that’s bad?”

“Yes. I’m not a porn star. Sorry, Ashlynn.” Ashlynn takes it good-naturedly, considering she’s a professional and all. “He wants to try all this freaky shit, and it’s weird, and I’m super pissed that I listened to you in the first place, Ashlynn.”

Watching the scene before me, the roar of the dinner simmering down and everyone relaxing, I realize how different my life would have been had we stayed in Texas. We wouldn’t have this. I didn’t have friends like these girls there.

I’m thankful for what I have right now, despite the gaping holes in my chest where I feel the voids of Mara.

My eyes catch Ashlynn and Bonner standing in the kitchen, their hands never far from one another as he pressed a kiss to her temple. I know it’s a newlywed thing, but with these two, I don’t think it is. They love each other with every ounce of their hearts and it pours out of them, infecting everyone around them. Strangely enough, I’m thankful for Bonner and Ashlynn reminding us of what love looks like in the beginning and how beautiful it can be.

Twenty-Two

When The Walls Come Down

(I build them higher.)

Well,dinner was awful, wasn’t it? But you know what’s even worse? Fighting with your wife at three in the morning because you didn’t delete the video you said you were going to delete.

I shrug, the noise of Sevi barking outside our door only adding to our frustration. “I know I said I was going to delete it, but I didn’t.”

Kelly stares at me, her cheeks flushed, her eyes pleading with me to open up to her. “Why not?”

“Because it’s hot. That’s why,” I tell her, matter-of-factly. That’s one of the reasons I didn’t delete it.

Her glare slices to mine. Anger sparks in her eyes, and I know she hates that I’m not giving her what she wants. An answer. A drawn-out reason as to why. “You always think everything’s no big deal and it’ll all work out, don’t you? Sometimes it doesn’t work out, Noah.” She presses her lips together and looks away from me. “Sometimes they don’t and things get really bad.”

My head wants to explode rather than talk about this. “I don’t want to have this fucking conversation with you, Kelly.” Gasping for air, feeling trapped, it’s as if I can’t breathe. My chest tightens, my jaw clenching on the onset of the anger surfacing because I know why she’s bringing this up. “But it always comes back to this, doesn’t it?”

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Kelly stares up at me, tears rolling down her cheeks. “I told you I was worried about her.”

I raise my hands in defeat, aware that everything she’s saying to me is a cry for help, but avoiding it just the same because I do not want to talk about this. “It’s not like I knew Mara had cancer.” My words come out, shaking and harsh. “I can’t do anything about that. She’s gone and I’m fucking sorry. I’m so goddamn sorry, and I wish I could have traded places with her. I would have. Gladly!” I scream back at my wife, losing all my composure. “And then you wouldn’t have to hate the man you married.” My voice is so full of vehemence that even I regret the words, but I say them anyway.

Kelly stands, her eyes glossy, wearing so many emotions across the beautiful planes of her face. “Noah—”

I try to swallow my feelings of betrayal, the ones I so desperately hold onto, but I do a pretty shitty job at it. “No, I’m done with this. I’m done being blamed for it. If it’s me you want gone, then fine.” I grab a pillow from our bed. “We’ll figure something out.”

Her sobs fill the room. “Where are you going?”

“I’m going to walk the fucking dog.” Closing the bedroom door, I pick Sevi up off the floor and carry him to his room.

“Walk?” he asks, pointing to the stairs and handing me his leash.

I know it’s starting to get out of hand. I shake my head and pad down the hallway to this room. “No, it’s time for the puppy to sleep.”

He must be tired because he doesn’t put up much of a fight and lies down on his bed. He’s asleep within five minutes.

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