Page 76 of Lost in Love

There’s no way I’m going to be able to sleep so I go downstairs, make myself some coffee and then head outside. As I’m standing out there, the sky changing colors from black to light blue, I walk to the end of the driveway and stare up at the sky. It’s cloudy, no stars visible.

I quickly look away when I notice a shadow beside me. It’s Bonner. The only other person in this neighborhood that doesn’t sleep much. “HOA lady call you yet?”

I sip my coffee. “Yeah. She’s been harassing us.”

Bonner looks at the lawn and smiles. “It’s impressive.”

I fight the urge to say that’s what she said, but for some reason, I don’t want to smile. Not tonight.

Standing beside me, he shoves his hands in the pockets of his shorts. “Kel’s mom is a real piece of work.”

I nod, a sigh slipping past my lips as I think about tossing my coffee cup to the pavement. I wonder if the sound of the ceramic breaking apart would be satisfying enough to curb the anger inside me. I’m not sure anything can stop this rage. It’s been building for so long, it’s going to come out in one way or another. “I’m not really in the mood for talking, B,” I tell him, hoping he leaves it alone.

His head bobs in acknowledgment, but he doesn’t shut up. “Half my family has died.”

My eyes lift from the cup in my hand to his. “What?”

“My parents died when I was a baby. Sister when I was sixteen, brother died a few months ago…. I’m a death magnet. And about a year ago, Ashlynn had a miscarriage. Lost the baby at four months.”

I don’t even know what to say to him, so I don’t say anything. Part of me is stuck on the fact that his porn star wife got pregnant. Was it his? I just stare at him and wonder, out of all the cities and neighborhoods, how’d we move to this one with this kid as our neighbor.

A breeze hits my face, snapping me out of my thoughts. Clearing my throat, I draw in a heavy breath. “I’m… sorry.”

Bonner shrugs. “It’s life, man. Death is part of it, but the death of a child, like you had, that’s not even comparable to my losses. It’s unimaginable.”

He’s right. It is. I’d never had any experiences with death. My parents are still alive, grandparents, alive…. Mara had been our first experience with it and to have it happen that way, and it be your child, well, I can’t think of anything worse.

I look up at the sky again. “I think the part that bothers me the most about losing her is that I’m her dad, you know?” My chin shakes, unable to control the emotion surfacing. “I was supposed to protect her, and I couldn’t. I had nothing on cancer.” My head drops forward, my eyes on the pavement.

Bonner thinks about what I said, or at least I think he does. His head tilts to the side, maybe in confusion. I can’t tell with this kid. “I once fucked this chick who was a medium.”

“A what?”

“A medium. She like, saw dead people or talked to them, I’m not sure. Scariest four months of my life for sure because I think all these ghosts were talking to us while we fucked.”

I stare at him. I bet you are too. What the fuck is he talking about?

Sensing my confusion, he waves his hand around, smiling. “Anyway, she said something to me once that hit home.”

“I don’t think I want to know how this story ends.”

He laughs, the grin fading into a more serious expression that seems almost abnormal on him. “She said, death is not an event. It’s a journey of survival for the living. And when a child dies, they were meant to live a short life, meant to live out their days to make an impact and move onto something greater.”

“How does she know that?”

“She lost her four-year-old son in a car accident. Apparently, she still sees him every day.”

I’m back to staring at him. How did this conversation even start? “Which makes the sex comment even creepier.”

“You’re tellin’ me, dude. I could tell you some shit that would freak ya the fuck out, but I won’t.”

“Uh, yeah, please don’t.”

Silence falls over us and he pats my shoulder. “You’re a good man, Noah.”

I snort, not sure if I believe him or not. If I was a good man, how come I couldn’t save my daughter from dying? How come I can’t save my marriage from failing?

When he leaves that I think about what he said. To make an impact and move onto something greater. How can Kelly and I move on when we don’t want to? Fuck that God has a plan. Fuck everyone who says everything happens for a reason or that time erases all pain.

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