Page 87 of Lost in Love

Our conversations shift once Oliver and Hazel come downstairs with Sevi. “Pantakes!” Sevi yells, rubbing his tummy. “Yay! Pantakes!”

At least he’s not barking at us.

We all laugh. Everyone except Fin, who couldn’t care less about anything other than the cat. I wonder if she’s going to go through a stage where she pretends she’s a cat for a year? You never know, I guess.

* * *

“What were you thinking?”I ask myself, pouring another glass of wine.

Why am I drinking? Noah hasn’t returned. It’s three hours until the wedding, but also, Fin, who hasn’t let Noah’s mom out of her sight since we arrived yesterday, decided she was done with breastfeeding. Yep. Even my tit isn’t good enough for her anymore. I’ve been replaced, and I’ve drunk an entire bottle of wine, by myself. Kate would be proud.

“Have you seen Noah or Justice around?” my sister, the bride-to-be, asks, stepping inside the kitchen. She’s wearing white shorts that say Wifey on the ass in glitter. Kelsey is my younger sister by three years, and though we never ever got along growing up, she was there for me through Mara being sick and frequently watched the other kids while I ran Mara to appointments and tried to keep her as healthy as we could.

In a way, I think it brought us together. It brought all our families together, aside from my mom. And then Mara’s death ripped it all apart. It’s like organizing a deck of cards and then tossing them on the floor. Some land right side up while others are face down. My logic might be off, given I’ve been drinking wine like it’s water, but I’m definitely one of the cards that landed upside down and Kelsey, nothing fazed her. She kept going and did everything she could to make sure we were taken care of. Her soon-to-be husband, Jonas, they made us dinners for two months after Mara died, and Noah’s mom never left our house. We had our people, but then we left town because Noah wanted out of Texas.

“Haven’t seen them.” I shrug, pouring myself another glass. I notice the sun shining through the large kitchen windows of Noah’s parents’ home, and I wonder if maybe I should add some orange juice to make it acceptable. You know, like they do with champagne. I’ll have to tell Kate about it when I get home. I bet she’d love wine and orange juice. “He left after our fight last night.”

The moment I threw Journal at him last night, he stayed by the water and then left. Naturally, I ran back down to the lake to see if poor Journal had been left alone to drown, but no luck. He took it. Or burned it. I’m not sure.

“Noah’s dad is looking for them. Apparently, he stole Noah’s keys, and then they got kicked out of a bar.” Kelsey reaches for the bottle of wine on the counter, but I slap her hand away. “Get yourself together. I’m getting married in a few hours. Be a good sister.”

I don’t miss the fact that Noah’s been drinking. I figured as much. After Mara died, I think he was drunk for an entire month, and I never stopped crying. It’s no wonder Oliver has anger issues, Hazel thinks she sees dead people, Sevi acts like a dog, and Fin doesn’t talk and spits on people. We’re horrible parents. I’m not proud of our behavior, believe me, but we were just trying to function, let alone survive.

“I’ve been a shitty sister, haven’t I?” I get right in her face. “Tell me the truth.”

“Not any worse than me.” She laughs, pushing my wine-flushed, teary face away. “I did tell Mom and Dad every single time you snuck out of the house. Now get your shit together. It’s the big day.”

And then she takes the wine from me. Probably for the better.

She’s right. I give the bottle in her hand a longing look like I’m leaving an old friend never to return again. I manage to take a shower and attempt to get ready for the big day. I still haven’t heard from Noah by then, and I’m not entirely sure if he’s coming to the wedding or not.

Kelsey smiles at me and taps her perfectly manicured nails against the screen on my phone when I’m doing my hair. “So, Mom tells me Noah and you made a sex tape.” I stare blankly at her as she asks, “Can I see it?”

“What? Is Mom even here?”

“No, she said she can’t attend another Beckett wedding.” Kelsey rolls her eyes. “You know her.” She’s right, I do. But then she smiles. The evil kind of smile like the one she had when she lied about finding my birth certificate, and I was, in fact, adopted. I wasn’t. And sometimes I regret that I wasn’t. At least then I might have a mom who cares. “Think of it as a wedding present. I want to see it. He’s a Beckett boy.”

“What the hell does that mean?” A giggle-snort escapes me.

Her eyes light up. “There’s a reason why I’m marrying one.”

“Oh my God, you’re awful.” I hadn’t thought about it until now, but my sister and I would once again have the same last name after today. “Why would you want to see it?”

“Because. Noah was always that mysterious jock everyone loved growing up, including you and, as the little sister, I thought he was the coolest guy ever.” Her eyes light up, bright blue and curious. “I really want to see it.”

“You’re awful.” I push her away because I know where this is heading. “No way.”

With a quick extension of her hand, she tries to take my phone from me, wrestling me in the process. “Don’t be stingy. Let me see it!”

“I’m not.” I rip my phone from her and hold it above my head. Too bad Kelsey is taller than me and it does nothing for me. “I don’t have it. Noah does.”

Her eyes narrow. “Bull crap.”

We end up on the kitchen floor, giggling until we’re flat on our backs and breathing heavily. “I can’t believe you’d want to see that. It was so awkward and embarrassing.”

Kelsey holds her stomach from laughing so hard. “Then why’d you make it?”

“I don’t know. He thought it’d be fun and after a bottle of sangria, I didn’t disagree and next thing I know, we’re sixty-ninin’.”

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