“Did you know about Eddie before you came here?”
He shakes his head. “No. I didn’t. I hadn’t talked to any of my family since the day I left the lake.”
“Becca said she saw you that first Christmas break.”
“I don’t see how. I was in California,” he assures me. “She lied to you. She’s pretty fuckin’ good at it.” There’s annoyance in his voice. “The only one I ever saw was Greer. And for a matter of minutes. Other than that, I stayed away. Arya wrote me a letter once, begging me to come back, but she never mentioned Eddie.”
I choke out a breath as her name slips from his lips for the first time, another round of tears taking over. His intensity returns at the sight, his body stiffening, but he doesn’t let go of me.
“Did you ever plan on telling me why you left?”
“No,” he admits, shifting his weight on his knees. We’re inches apart as his breath blows over my face. “I didn’t want to hurt you.”
I take a drink of the whiskey, and hand it back to him. “Why did you leave? Because you didn’t want me to find out about the bet?”
“Not entirely.” His eyes focus on mine, looking every bit like the boy who taught me so much. He draws in another deep breath. “Your dad found out. Walker told him about the bet.”
As shocked as I am, it makes sense. If anyone could have deterred Ender from me, it was my dad. Ender had no relationship with his own, and had no idea how to actually act around a father. When mine set him straight that first meeting, Ender knew deep down if there was one person who could keep him from me, it was Justin Hayes.
“He said he would tell you if I didn’t leave. I couldn’t bear the thought of you knowing after what we had just done or have you thinking that I had had sex with you because of the bet.”
“Why did Walker tell him?”
“Because he’s Walker,” Ender growls.
“So you left me because of the bet? Ender, I would have understood. I can’t believe you’d walk away from everything we’d shared over a bet you didn’t even follow through with. Why don’t you tell me the truth? That you left because you didn’t know how to love me back. Because of Theo.”
“Jesus Christ, I said that. I told you I didn’t know how to let you love me,” he growls and pushes back away from me. His anger takes over again at the mention of his dad. I want to let it go and not push too much, but I can’t. And he can’t stop his outburst. Standing, he paces, and then falls back to his knees before me, his hands reaching for mine, gripping them so tightly I have no choice but to listen. “I’m fucked up.” He holds tighter and makes me look at him. “I don’t know what else to say.”
Tears roll faster down my cheeks. “Then why couldn’t you tell me? Why not call and explain? Why’d you have to shut yourself off from all of us?”
“I wanted to tell you,” he pleads, with so much emotion I feel him vibrating, his hands still wrapped around mine. “So many times I wanted to, but I couldn’t say it.” I think back to the time on the raft when he asked me if I’d ever lied. “And then I read your book and it fucking broke me.” His chin shakes, his brow pinching together, and he looks sadder than I’ve ever seen him before.
It’s probably the most honest he’s ever been with me—ever wanted to be.
“I’m sorry,” he repeats.
“Stop saying that until you can actually admit what exactly you are sorry for, Ender.” He sucks in a breath, listening. “Are you sorry for how you created a war between my sister and me, so bad that Becca and I haven’t gotten along with each other since the night you kissed her in front of me? Are you sorry for making me love you? Are you sorry for taking my virginity and then walking out on me? Are you sorry I brought our daughter into the world without you?” My face is fire, breaths short and constricting my words. “Do you have any clue, Ender?Anyfucking clue how much you hurt me? How much you’ve missed with Eddie?” My voice escalates again, my heart ready to beat out of my chest and throw itself on the ground before him.
He stares up at me, tears rolling down his cheeks. “I think I have an idea.” Dropping my hands, he moves back a few inches, still kneeling on the ground.
“So what exactly are you sorry for?” Just as the question leaves my lips, I jump when another flash of lightning follows by the crack of thunder. The wind picks up, whistling through the weather-beaten barn boards.
I can’t ignore the agony in his words when he whispers, “All of it.”
45
WHEN I WANTED TO FORGIVE HIM
“If someone would have told you about Eddie, would you have come back?”
He nods and lifts the bottle in his hand to his lips. “I would have.” He takes a drink, and then hands it to me. “It was harder than you think to stay away. It’s part of the reason I joined the Navy. It kept me away.”
I shake my head and he sets the bottle down beside me. Adjusting my legs on the bale of hay I’m on, I look at Ender, flushed cheeks and expression wavering. “What was I to you? You say you were only with me after we started to… Well, what was I to you then? I never had girlfriend status. I was so confused back then.”
“I know you were, and I’m sorry for that. I didn’t know how to do any of that. It’s not like I understood love.” He sighs as if the thought of me is refreshing to him. A smile twitches his lips. “But you, God…” He blows out a breath. “You were everything I didn’t know I needed. My little freckle-faced Hads who looked at me like I could be anything I wanted. You were innocent and pure, but around you, I was unstoppable, and I’d never felt that before.”
I hurt for him because he’s right; he wasn’t taught love. “So why did you act like you didn’t remember me?”