Page 126 of Paper Hearts

Every day—Year after year

I hope by the time you’re reading this I’ve gotten my shit together and told you what I needed you to hear. If you are reading this, and I haven’t said anything, hold tight, Hads. Please. I’ll get there one way or another, even if it kills me.

– Ender

I flip backthrough a few pages the book when I notice there’s other writing in it, and laugh at a few notes he’s written on the sides. What really makes me laugh are the annotations written next to the night when he took my virginity:This guy sounds like a fucking douchebag.

Next to the part where Arya caught him in the shower:First summer. We fell off the dock together when Roman pushed us. You climbed on my back and wrapped your legs around my waist. I couldn’t stop thinking about you the rest of the night, wishing I would have kissed you. There’s a smiley face next to it.

Next to the night I first saw him play baseball:My chest hurt so goddamn bad watching you leave.

There are about ten little notes throughout the book, all indications he read and relived every moment just as I had done. I flip to the part in the book when he said I’d had more of his firsts than I knew. There’s a note in the side:You were my first love.

I glance over at him and he smiles, shifting into gear. “What?”

“What firsts did I have?”

“Huh?”

“You once told me I’d had more firsts than I realized… so what were they?”

He stares at me, pausing at the end of the driveway before he pulls out onto the highway. “Quite a few, actually.”

“I’m gonna need some examples,” I tease, holding the book up. “You know all my secrets now.”

Licking his lips, he sighs as if he doesn’t want to tell me, his cheeks flushed.

“Are you embarrassed?”

“No.” He laughs. “I’m just… I don’t know.” He leans his head back against the seat. His hands fall from the steering wheel, the truck rumbling underneath us and vibrating every loose metal part on the old truck. “You were my first love.”

Though I love that, I’m disappointed. I was looking for all the dirty details. “That’s all?”

Another laugh and he leans in, his hand moving to behind my head. Gently, he threads his fingers through my hair at the nape of my neck. And then he clenches his fist and tugs lightly. “First one to ever swallow.” My heart starts pounding, my nipples hardening underneath my dress. Ender’s breath speeds up, his jaw tightening. “First time I ever went down on a girl. And you remain the only. For both,” he points out.

Holy shit. He watches my face, the sun setting behind me in the distance. It shines in his eyes, lighting his cheeks up in gold and yellow.

“And the first time I ever hit anyone out of jealousy was because of you.”

My heart skips, cheeks warming. “When?”

“Walker. Second summer.”

I knew about that but didn’t realize it was the first time he showed jealousy.

“Kamila wasn’t your first love?”

He shakes his head. “Not even close. I never actually dated her either.”

“Only sex?”

He chuckles, another shake of his head. “Yeah, I guess.”

Fuck. I want details, but then again, they don’t matter. He’s here with me, not her.

* * *

Ender takesme to Coastal Breeze. There’s not many places to eat around the lake, but I’m not concerned with where we go. This isn’t about a fancy date. It’s about knowing where we stand, and I couldn’t have these conversations with Eddie around.

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