Page 74 of Paper Hearts

Ender stops dead in his tracks and whirls to face me. His face crushes me. It’s devastation. “I’m an asshole? For caring about you? For not fucking you when I had the chance? For you giving it up to someone else, I’m an asshole for that?”

“Yes, you are,” I huff and take what’s left of a beer and throw it at him.

Ender doesn’t like that. Not one bit.

In one quick second, he swoops me up and wraps his arms around my middle and carries me into the den. I try to push his arms loose, but his hold is too strong. “Let me go!” I scream, smacking his back.

He opens the door to the movie room, holding me still with the other. After pushing me inside, the door slams shut. Both of us stand there, staring, unsteady with anger. He unbuttons his shirt, the one covered in beer. Slipping his arms out, his eyes remain on mine as he throws it at me. The wet fabric slaps against the wood floors underneath my feet. “You want me to fuck you? Is that what all this is about?” he asks slowly as he reaches behind him and locks the door. “I won’t fuck you so you let some other guy take advantage of you?”

Tears roll down my cheeks, unable to answer him with words. I hate how small I feel in his presence.

He steps forward and pushes against my shoulders. I land on the large couch and before I have time to fight back, he’s on top of me, pining me to the cushions, his weight holding me in place. His heart pounds hard against my chest. “You wanna know where I was?”

“Probably fucking my sisters.” I sound my age, again.

Ender’s face falls and his jaw clenches. His eyes narrow. “I was on a job interview. In Savannah. So I could be closer to you.”

I feel like shit. Absolute shit. “Why would you do that for me? Do that for yourself, Ender.”

He blows out a breath. “You really have no fucking clue, do you?”

“I don’t because you won’t say it.”

He parts his lips, sighing. He doesn’t give me a response.

“Yeah, I get it, Ender.” My voice trembles and the tears come harder. “Too young for you to feel anything more than a summer fling.”

His face contorts as if he’s in pain. “You have no fucking idea how I feel.No idea,” he says, eyes fierce and determined. “But I’m done with this shit, Had. I’m over it.” And then he lifts up and removes himself from me, standing near the door. He doesn’t open it.

He’s right about one thing. I don’t know how he feels because he never tells me. I want to walk away, lock myself in my room and cry over losing him, but I don’t. Something deeper roots me in place. He’s the signal my brain registers, whether I want it to or not. He’s the eyes I want to see, and the only ones they do. He’s the taste my tongue wants and my body craves. He’s the beat in my chest and the flow in my veins, the touch my fingertips ache for, and the body my legs want to be wrapped around.

So I hold my ground. I scramble to stand behind him. “Why did you leave with Harper?”

Ender chuckles and turns to face me, his flushed face the only indication I see he’s at least a little bit uncomfortable. “You think I fucked her, don’t you?”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if you did,” I admit with shaking words, looking down at my feet.

He doesn’t look at me. His eyes drop to his feet and then maybe for the dramatics of it all, his eyes slowly slide to mine. His shoulders square and he shoves his hands into the pockets of this shorts. “I didn’t do anything you didn’t do.”

There it is. Not my answer, but another piece of my heart chipped away.

Ender leaves, slams the door in my face and the roar of his truck confirms my theory. He’s left. Again.

Carter finds me outside, panic on his face and a swollen left eye. “I’m sorry.”

“For what? Did you let him hit you?”

“I deserved it.” He shrugs. “He told me to stay away from you, and I didn’t.”

“Doesn’t matter now.”

He nods and pulls his shirt over his shoulders. “We didn’t.”

“Didn’t what?”

“Have sex.” He squints into the sun, his eyelid droopy from where Ender hit him. “If that’s what you’re worried about. I told Ender.”

“Oh.” I nod, feeling relief, but not enough to drown out the chaos inside my head screaming at me. “What happened?”

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