Page 79 of Paper Hearts

“Then what’s wrong?”

The pain in his eyes returns but he forces a smile. “Would it be bad to wait until we’re at the lake?”

“Why?”

The fear in his eyes returns. “Because… it’s our place.”

“So is this truck.”

He doesn’t agree with me. And that’s when I see it in his eyes. It’s not. Something’s happened in here, and maybe that’s why he’s acting like this. I don’t know and my heart’s too fragile to ask. It pounds faster in my chest. Though I hate the denial, I can see where he’s coming from. We met at the lake and it holds something special for us.

I slide off him and onto the seat beside him, tears still sliding down my cheeks. He pulls his pants up but doesn’t fasten them. “Pretty girls shouldn’t cry over guys like me,” he whispers, brushing his thumb over my cheek.

“Am I… are you with anyone else?”

His eyes hold mine. “What do you mean?”

I blow out a breath. “Are you fucking anyone else?”

His thumb trails over my bottom lip, smiling. “You make my dick hard every time a curse word comes out of this pretty mouth.”

“Ender.” I push his hand away, scowling. “I’m serious. I want to know.” I pause, thinking my heart is going to burst from my chest. “Are you with anybody else?”

At first, he doesn’t answer me. The smile fades and he stares at me, as if he doesn’t know how to answer the question. And then I think he’s not going to give one. Embarrassment works through me. I’m freaking buck-ass naked, crying, and he can’t even give me a straight answer on where I stand in his life.

“Just take me home,” I sob, full of hurt and denial, barely able to control myself, tired of believing I mean anything to him.

“Hey, come on,” he whispers. “Hads…”

In the next second he has his arms around me and I’m back on his lap, his belt buckle digging into the inside of my thighs.

He’s holding my face in his hands, devastation in his eyes. “I don’t know how clear I have to be on this,” he says, his voice a little sharper, louder. “Because I’m not any fucking good at this.” He pauses and my stomach twists like pins and needles are attacking it. He waits, holds my stare, and breathes steadily. “You’re theonlyone.”

My chest caves and it’s as if my lungs are suffering, sucking in breathes they can’t live without. It’s not the words I’m expecting, but they’re an Ender way of reassuring me, and I let go of my fears.

31

WHEN HE TOOK MY VIRGINITY

The following month, I graduate from Savannah High School, get accepted to the University of Georgia with Arya and cry, because I’m not sure I want to go. Hazel and Becca both went there, and though I never want to follow in their footsteps, it’s the college I got a scholarship to. I should go, right?

But you don’t care about any of that crap, do you? You want to know about Ender and me, huh? Has our relationship changed since prom?

Yeah, I guess in some ways it has. He doesn’t come to my graduation because he’s working—and he doesn’t want to see my dad—but I do get a text from him saying:But I could stop by later and take that gown off with my teeth if you’d like?

That’s all wishful thinking, because we are, in fact, hours apart. But not for long.

The summer starts like every other summer has. I arrive at Aunt Leslie’s and quickly find myself at the newly remodeled James house. I spend the day on the water with Arya, catching up. She’s pissed at me with how often Ender comes to see me, but then I remind her she’s usually with Roman.

Ender arrives hours later, having been in Gainesville where he’s apparently been working for the last month installing granite countertops.

I’m giddy at his arrival, unsure what this year is going to bring. I’m eighteen. Legal. We’re at the lake and I’ll finally have what I’ve always wanted. Him.

We meet outside later that evening, the summer day cloudy, suffocating humidity in the air and a darkness to the west of the lake.

“Summer before college, huh?” he asks, taking in a deep breath at the sight of me. We haven’t talked much about college. In fear maybe, but we didn’t talk about it.

“Crazy, huh?” I bump my shoulder into his as we walk out his front door and step foot on the pebbled stone pathway that leads from the front porch to the concrete driveway. Flowers surround us, all bursting in bright red, yellow, and pink. “I’m not thirteen anymore.”

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