Page 81 of Paper Hearts

* * *

The following night,Ender’s mom, and my parents, throw Arya and me a graduation party. I’m surprised mine are here together, being civil, but that’s not my concern. How the party is, what I’m wearing, what Arya is doing, aren’t important. Nothing is besides me being alone with Ender. Our date was ruined last night by Roman and Arya coming home early so we didn’t get to finish what we started in his truck and instead went to the party at Sunset Cove.

But tonight, it’s different. Anticipation is in the air. The sky is painted purple, orange, and blue, lightning nearby as the sky grumbles. Tiny white lights twinkle around the house, igniting the party and everything around it. It smells like summer—fried chicken, smoked ribs, Southern-fried macaroni and cheese. Kids jumping from boats and floating on tubes. The lake is alive, savoring the last few hours of the day.

The anticipation of being alone with him is killing me. He’d said he wants to talk to me, alone, in his room later. But for now, we’re playing the part of who we’ve become. A secret in the eyes of my parents.

I’m leaving for college after this summer. And Ender will be working in Gainesville. It’s only a couple hours from school, but I have no idea what the future holds for us. We don’t speak of it, impending doom maybe. In fact, every night this week we’ve been making out and constantly stopped by something happening. Myles barging in on us, Arya crying over Carter getting pissed off she’s with Roman. Theo showing up and pissing off Ender to the point he sends his fist through the wall in his bedroom. Yep. That happened. Whatever the reason, it’s built the anticipation that maybe it might happen tonight.

As the party gets started and Ender comes back from working, I find him on the deck overlooking the lake. “I didn’t know you were back already,” I say, approaching him but keeping my distance since my dad is here.

“Sorry. Just got here.” He shakes the cup. “And if I’m going to be around my dad tonight, might as well get shitfaced.”

I stand straighter. “I love you.” The words leave my mouth before I can stop them. Before I understand their impact.

He doesn’t look at me. His head hangs, elbows resting against the railing, but he doesn’t say anything. At first. I have never said those three words to anyone other than family, and though the moment seemed wrong, misplaced, I mean them.

“Hads…,” he breathes, staring at the bottom of his glass. My heart sinks at the sound. Denial is coming.

“I don’t need you to say it back, Ender,” I assure him, giving him an out and keeping my attention on the lake. “I don’t need you to say anything. I needed you to hear it.”

I smile, and he smiles again, this time a little shy. His cowboy hat shadows his eyes from me, but I can see the flush to his cheeks, pink as the sky.

Turning, he brings me to his chest, his arms wrapping around my waist. He holds tight, fingers digging into my flesh as he pulls me closer. There’s a rap song playing over the speakers on the deck. Arya and Roman dance beside us now.

“Where’s Myles? This song is not appropriate,” Roman teases, glancing around for Myles.

It’s definitely not appropriate. Pussy is said about ten times in the opening verse.

Ender chuckles when I try to dance with him. And he complies, swaying to the music with me. Those hands, those lips, the ones that love me so tenderly, even though he won’t say it, tell me he feels the same way.

Maybe it’s the beer he’s had. Maybe it’s the third beer or the fifth. I don’t care. I want to be brave and wild and free, everything he is. I move closer, grinding into him. He watches the space between our hips, his breathing heavier, but he pulls back when Theo walks by, his attention on us, but he doesn’t say anything to either one of us.

“I can’t wait to be alone with you,” I whisper in his ear, wrapping my arms around Ender’s shoulders and grinding my hips into his.

He smirks, knowing what I’m referring to. “Soon, baby,” he whispers, kissing the side of my neck. “Soon,” he assures me.

His hair falls into his face when Arya knocks his hat off from behind and I close my eyes, for a second, letting my first memory of him sink in. He was fifteen, I was thirteen, and though that was five years ago, the memory is there.

* * *

Hours later a bunchof us decide to move down to the water for a bonfire at Sunset Cove. Standing on my aunt Leslie’s dock, secluded in thick trees and the fading sunlight, I search for blankets in the chest. That’s when I feel Ender’s hands on my hips, his face nestled into my neck. He turns me and smiles. His cheeks are flushed, product of the whiskey he’s been drinking.

Resting his hand along my jaw, he moves it back slightly so that his fingers graze my ear and through my hair. He leans down and kisses me. Sighing, he pulls back, his mouth lingering over top of my ear. “This is killing me.”

“What?”

“Not being with you,” he growls, fisting my tank top in his hand. “I can’t wait any longer.” When his breath passes over my ear, it registers with me what he wants, what might happen. My insides tingle in anticipation of what it will finally feel like having him inside me. I’ve imagined it, only him, for so long, I’m scared it won’t live up to what it’s really like. But then I realize that’s crazy. This is Ender. It’ll be everything I’ve ever imagined, and then some.

Lightning streaks across the sky, the hint of rain nearing. I glance up at the sky, trying to process everything that’s happening. My mind is vaguely aware of the problems with this happening outside. I realize my parents are next door, and his family is there too. Anyone can walk over here at any minute and see what might happen. But I care about none of that as much as I want the way he’s responding to me and the way my body aches for him.

I give up, and he must, too, because our desires take over. As I tilt my mouth to his, inviting the kiss, my fingers work their way to his temple, knocking his cowboy hat away so I can run my hands through his hair. It falls into the water next to us, but he doesn’t retrieve it. A stifled moan works its way from him at the gesture, and he tightens his hold on my hips and presses his mouth more firmly against mine. My hands sweep back down along his jaw. He hasn’t shaved in a while, and his stubble scratches me, but it’s exactly what I want.

I grip his neck, my hands fisting in his hair. He moans quietly again, a noise that’s barely heard over the loud music above us. We’re having trouble keeping still, our bodies tilting and swaying gently to the side and against one another, as the kisses grow impatient and full of intent.

I sink down to my knees at his lead. Ender pauses, throws a blanket on the ground and then he’s back to kissing me. As he gives me his weight, the tingling in my stomach aches with need, my body arching against his in response.

Ender doesn’t relent. His mouth moves frantically from my ear to my neck and down my collarbone, before returning urgently to my mouth and with need to the next spot.

---