Page 82 of Paper Hearts

I give up trying to make sense of what’s happening, hoping I’m fulfilling whatever it is he’s seeking from me. His quiet groans as he moves around my body sound like pure frustration.

The combination of the scorching of the day and the heat between us has taken over, on the verge of going two directions. I look up as he attacks my neck, grinding into me and see the people on the other side of the James dock through the trees, laughing and having a good time, oblivious to the two thirty feet from them, so desperate to be with one another they don’t move to the house, or even somewhere more private.

Suddenly, he lifts and yanks his shirt overhead and returns. I grab onto him anywhere I can, hands fisting in the band of his shorts, sweeping up over his arms, and grabbing his biceps. They flex and tighten beneath my grasp.

I spread my legs wider and he grinds into me more firmly. I can feel it then, the hardness between his legs. Moaning, that prompts a shift in Ender’s position again, and he reaches and grasps the backs of my legs.

Without breaking the kiss, his mouth is back to my neck when his hips move against mine. My heart hammers against my breastbone, breathing escaping me entirely.

Ender pants into my ear. “I can’t wait any longer.” His palms find my breasts underneath my tank top, fondling them with need and desire. “I want you.”

My body trembles, nervously anticipating what happens next that I can barely get out the words I want so desperately to say. “I’ve never…” It hangs there, waiting, my innocence and his decision.

He knows and nods, but I want to assure him. As if I have to assure him before this goes any further.

With heavy breaths from the both of us, Ender pulls back to his knees, his hands on his belt buckle. And though my eyes never leave his, I hear the clanking of his buckle, his zipper, and my jean shorts quickly follow along with my panties.

I swallow, trying to catch my breath as he pushes his shorts down. I’ve read a lot of romance novels, and they’re all the same for the most part when it comes to having sex or even losing your virginity. Most even do it against the wall, or kitchen counters. Let me tell you, in case you have some kind of misconception, the idea of Ender fucking me outside on the dock where we first met, totally sexy, yes. The fantasy that he can’t wait any longer, not even for a bed, hot, yeah.

The reality, though, it’s fucking uncomfortable, but we’re in the moment, and nothing is going to stop us now. Not even the idea that yeah, he should put a condom on, and hasn’t yet.

He reaches between us and my heart beat is in my ears. I can feel the head of him against my opening. Suddenly, before he enters me, he pulls back, his face and neck flushed, gasping, his breath quick and words rushed. His eyes search mine, looking for something. Maybe an emotion he’s afraid he’s going to find. “I—” He moves his hand that’s cradling the back of my head, his thumb tracing over my cheek. His brow furrows, his eyes guarded. “Do you want this, Hads, baby?”

God, I melt every time he calls me baby. But my words don’t come. Fear holds them inside.

Ender wouldn’t be himself if he didn’t make sure, because any other time, he’s stopped when we get to this point. This isn’t something he’s going to just take from me.

“Tell me,” he begs, his breathing heavy as his hands tangle tightly in my hair, tugging so my head is angled toward him, eyes locked. “You have to fucking say it. Tell me what you want. I can—” He pauses, swallowing with a regretful shake of his head. “I can stop.”

My mouth latches onto his before I say, “I want you. I always have.”

“Fuck.” He sighs, his breath blowing out slowly into my neck as he places a kiss on the shell of my ear. “I don’t have a condom on me.” He lifts his head and I stare at him, wondering what we do next. He pulls back, lifts up on his arms. “I’ll be right back.”

“No… it’s okay.” I hold onto him tighter, not wanting him to leave. “You don’t need one.”

He swallows, his breathing heavier. “Are you sure?”

I nod, angling my hips. His weight returns and though I really want his eyes when he reaches between us, I don’t have them. He’s looking to the side at the commotion of those on the water. They can’t see us, but then again, they might if they come over here.

I care about none of that because in the next second, Ender pushes forward and enters me. Both of us gasp.

I’m so caught up in wanting this to finally happen, I lose track of all reality and Ender’s not there to bring me back. He too is letting our need for one another ignore the consequences, as if they don’t exist.

And then it happens. I lose my virginity.

Once he’s inside me, it’s like Ender completely checks out. He’s wild, determined, and nowhere near the gentleness I’ve experience with him before. I want to slow it down, but I know he can’t. My sounds mix with his and every thrust, every moan, my youth is gone.

Is it good? Is it everything girls said it would be? If I’m being honest, no. Arya is right. It’s awful. Anyone who tells you differently is lying. It burns and aches and I want to get it over with. I hold onto his shoulders, my face buried in the side of his neck. “Ender, it hurts,” I cry, gripping his shoulders tighter.

“I’m sorry,” he pants, driving into me slower, but it doesn’t help.

It’s not comfortable at all. My legs shake and I think I have a sliver in my ass cheek.

So many thoughts are going through me. Why here? Why now? I wanted it. I shouldn’t be complaining because this has been a long time coming for us, but why not a bed? Why couldn’t he wait a couple more hours where he said he’d sneak me in his bed?

I grip his shoulders and I try to sneak a peek at his face, but I can’t see him in the low lighting. He raises up on his elbow and his other hand holds my hip in place, driving himself into me harder than before. I cry out, in pain, but at the same time, Ender groans, sliding in and out of me faster, his chest practically heaving with breaths. Intensity and impatience mark his movements, but I’m not about to complain. I’ve waited too long for this.

And then his knees widen and his stomach muscles flex against mine as his pace quickens. There’s no warning, but I feel him swell inside me, clenching my body so tightly I cry into his neck as warmth fills me. His chest rumbles with a groan, his hips jerking forward and my first thought, holy freaking shit, that hurt so bad.

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