Page 84 of Paper Hearts

I see weakness. A man who fears his sons will be better than him. I hate him. So much. Because as I’m looking into his eyes, I picture Ender’s face, and every bruise and cut I noticed over the years, a product of this man before me.

“Where did he go?” I growl, my fists clenching. I’m crying so hard, I’m not sure I’m making sense.

Theo draws in a heavy breath and I notice the mess around him. Broken bottles, wineglasses, food is spilled all over the floor, and blood is splattered on the tile. I raise my eyes back to Theo when he clears his throat. “Sweetheart, you’re better off without that boy in your life.”

“He’s better off without you!” I shout back at him, crying harder.

“It’s cute, right? He took your virginity and now you think you know that kid? You have no idea the destruction he’s capable of,” he warns, his words as cold as his eyes. “You have no understanding of what he’s really like. It’s a front he gives you.”

“Why can’t you see he’s nothing like you,” I spit back at him, ready to fight him. I want to lunge at him and take all my frustration out on him for making Ender leave me. “He puts on a front because of what you did to him. You destroyed him!”

Theo laughs and downs the rest of his beer before tossing the can in the sink. “They’d all be better off if I didn’t exist in their lives, right?”

I’m young enough that I don’t get the underlying meaning of his words, and I’m emotional enough to say what I’m thinking. “Yeah, they would be, you fucking asshole.”

Without waiting for his reply, I take off outside, only to run into Walker.

I shove his chest. “What did you do? Why’d you make him leave?”

He laughs, his face fucked up and bleeding. “Me?” Bringing the bottle in his hand to his lips, he smirks at me, his deceitful brown eyes full of hatred. He takes the back of his hand and swipes it over his eyebrow that’s bleeding heavily. “I didn’t make him do a goddamn thing. You’re such a naïve little brat. Constantly kept him hanging on for what? Why can’t you see he was always going to leave? He fucked you, then left. That’s what he does. Ask Kamila.” He narrows his eyes, scowling at me as his liquor breath blows over my face. “Ask your sisters.”

My sisters?

In a trance, I walk up to Arya on the grass, watching Roman and Carter fighting over a raft. Instead, they both fall off the dock. Water splashes up around Arya, causing her to scream. I watch my bare feet on the planks, remembering how many times I’ve actually walked down this very dock barefoot with Ender’s arm around me.

Tears roll down my cheeks as I sit down next to Arya and rest my head on her shoulder. “Do you know where Ender went?”

She takes a drink from the bottle of Fireball and hands it to me. “No.” Then she notices my tears. “What’s wrong? What did he do?”

“I had sex with him,” I tell her, sniffling and wiping my tears away with my hands. The more I wipe, the quicker they come.

“Who, Walker?” Arya turns to me. “That’s disgusting, Hads.” She sighs, scrunching her nose up. “Go clean yourself up. Walker is nasty.”

I cry harder. “I didn’t have sex with Walker, Arya.”

“But—”

“Ender.”

She rolls her eyes. “It’s about time.” Then she frowns. “But still, go clean yourself up. You never know where he’s been.”

But I don’t move and neither does Arya. “I love him.”

Her hands cup my heated cheeks. “I know you do, girl. I know.” She holds me, and my broken heart sinks a little more.

Closing my eyes, I hide my face in her neck and cry harder, embracing the only friend I have. I spent my childhood trying to fit myself into his life, hoping he’d love me back, but now I’m left trying to find a place to land after the fall.

33

WHEN I PEED ON A STICK

Ilay awake as the sun comes up over the lake and stare into the silence of my room. My curtains move with the air conditioner and behind that, a window he used to sneak through. Used to being the key word. Because that guy, the one I fell hopelessly in love with over the course of five years, I haven’t seen in three weeks.

I’m empty. Full of pain, but still so empty.

The numb shock has worn off and I’m left with pain.

I wonder what he’s doing and if he regrets leaving. Why else would he have left and not said anything to me? After that night, I try calling him. It rings a few times, each one longer than the last. And then it beeps. He used to always pick up when I called. Until now. It goes to voicemail. “It’s Ender, leave a message, or don’t.”

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