Page 86 of Paper Hearts

“Why are you laughing at me?” I screw the top back on the orange juice and set it on the sink next to the box the pregnancy test came in.

“Because.” She hands me the stick, shaking her head. “You had unprotected sex with my brother. Now pee so we can get tacos.”

I stare at the stick in my hand and wish Ender was here with me. I think about what he’d do. Would he be mad or would I get the side of him I saw so often? The gentleness behind the sad eyes. The boy who would never, ever hurt me. The one who waited until I was ready, never pushing when I knew he wanted more.

Tears flood my eyes and Arya notices. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t laugh.”

“It’s okay,” I assure her. “I’m just scared. What if I am? What am I going to do?”

“We’ll figure it out. Together. I got you.”

Her brother said that to me too. And I believed him.

With a deep breath, I drop my pants, hover over the questionable-looking toilet seat and pee on the stick. That stupid fucking test is positive before I even finish peeing. I seriously watch the saturated portion of the stick as it spreads into the window of doom and the two pink lines that follow.

I nearly drop the stick in the toilet but instead, throw it into the sink. Arya yelps, unprepared and raises her hands up. “What are you doing?”

“It’s freaking positive!”

She stares at me and then wipes off her chin. “You flung pee at me.”

I burst into tears and then guy outside the door hits it. “That’s amazing. I’m so excited for you both. Now get the fuck out of the bathroom.”

Arya takes the stick in her hand, wets her other hand under a blast of water from the sink and swings the bathroom door open before I have my pants up. Standing in front of the obesely overweight man with a full beard and dark eyes, she slaps her wet hand to his cheek. “I peed on my hands, fuckface.”

Buttoning my pants, I rush out the bathroom, through the front doors of the gas station, and barely make it around the side of the building before I vomit on the sidewalk.

What am I going to do? I can’t get ahold of Ender, I’m in college, on my own and pregnant? What the fuck? My dad’s going to kill me.

I think about texting Ender, telling him I’m pregnant, and see if that gets a response, but his mom said his cell phone was cancelled. He got a new number. He cut off every way for me to find him, so why should I tell him? Does he deserve to know?

Straightening my posture, I lean into the side of the building, the warm stucco siding penetrating through my shirt, a reminder of the heat I used to feel when Ender touched me. There’s a part of me that’s trying to keep that door open, the one where his love was a wildfire and I was lost in the flames, but how long would I do that? When do I close it and tell myself it’s over? He’s gone, and I’m left navigating life without him, carrying almost in the corner of my heart and he took the key with him.

34

WHEN I STARTED WRITING A BOOK

During those first few months of school, I hide my pregnancy from everyone but Arya, and I unfortunately slip into feel-sorry-for-me mode that borders on needing professional help. It’s pathetic. And though inside it’s tough, life has a way of moving on for you, the year brings with it a lot of changes.

Three months into college life, I hate getting up in the mornings and I’m even more upset that I can no longer drink coffee to wake up. I’ve always hated mornings, but when I enroll in a Critical Analysis of Mass Media at 8:00 a.m., I regret my decision immediately.

Unfortunately for me, I have to get up. Every morning I do and stare at myself in the mirror after checking my phone to see if Ender called. I stare at my freckles where he used to connect the dots, and my golden hair he said was a Grand Canyon sunset. I stare at my stomach and the slight fullness to it and know that even though he’s not here with me, a part of him is growing inside me. I think of his dark hair and those shocking blue eyes and wonder if this baby will look like him.

Winter slowly surfaces from the cool crisp mornings of fall and frost covers the ground. I keep to myself at school, hiding behind oversized clothes and never making contact with anyone, and it isn’t out of bitchiness. It’s out of insecurity. I don’t want anyone to know me. If they know me, they’ll see how pathetic I am stuck on a summer love and carrying his child along for the ride.

I remember something my mom told me the day I left for college: “You can’t live in the past, Hads. You need to live for right now and what you have. A bright future ahead of you.”

I’m sure she never thought I’d be a mom before I turned nineteen, but it looks like that’s happening too. I went to the doctor after I took that test and found out yes, I’m knocked up and due in late March.

I make Arya swear she won’t tell anyone until I’m ready. We manage to track down Greer, but again, he hasn’t heard from Ender. I don’t even tell his mom or mine that I’m pregnant, fearing what people will think, and I definitely do not want our dads finding out.

As December arrives, I can no longer fit into my jeans and Arya begs me to tell my parents.

“Are you seriously going to have this baby and not tell anyone?”

I’m sitting on my bed studying when she barges into my room with this question. “Yeah, why?”

“Because. I’m scared. We’re doing this alone, and while I know we’re badass bitches, I’m terrified if something happens and I won’t know how to take care of you.”

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