Page 89 of Paper Hearts

I’m an emotional mess to the point I can barely stand up. It’s like last month since I found out I was having a girl, and Arya had to practically carry me out of the doctor’s office, I can barely keep it together.

Lana gets me sitting on the couch with Myles and he holds me. I hate it. I hate because he reminds me so much of Ender that it’s hard to tell the difference in my hormonal state and it only brings on more tears.

“You’re okay,” Myles whispers, pressing his lips to my temple and holding me close.

Arya gets me a glass of water, my mom comes over and soon, Myles slips away because the house is filled with women, all wanting to know how this happened.

“How long have you known?” my mom asks, her fear evident but she’s keeping it together better than I am. I haven’t stopped bawling.

Sipping my water, I draw in a ragged breath, staring at the door to the den where Ender pushed me into it and questioned what I did with Carter that night. “I found out at a Texaco in August.”

“And you didn’t say anything to us? We could have been there for you. Helped you make a decision.”

My eyes slide to my mom as she sits next to me, holding my hand. “A decision for what?”

“To keep it. You’re eighteen, Hads. How can you raise a child and finish school on your own?”

Arya, who’s now drinking straight from a vodka bottle, snorts and wipes the back of her hand over her mouth. “She has me, bitches.”

Lana waves her off as if she’s being ridiculous thinking she and I could do this. “Be serious, Arya. We need to find Ender.”

“No, we don’t,” I snap, my heart in my throat. “I tried to get a hold of him, and he’s gone. So yes, I’m going to raisemy daughteron my own.”

“Daughter?” Mom gasps, tears filling her eyes as she hugs me to her chest.

There’s talk about the baby, I share her ultrasound picture, and Myles returns. He congratulates me. “Have you heard from him?” I ask.

He sighs and shakes his head. “No, I haven’t. He hasn’t called or come around.”

“Where do you think he is?”

“If I know Ender, he’s anywhere he knows he can’t be found. By anyone.”

I have no idea what Myles means by that, other than, he’s right. If Ender doesn’t want to be found, he won’t be. I’ve never met someone so good at disappearing as he is.

I excuse myself to use the bathroom, but I find myself upstairs in Ender’s room. I lie on the bed and place my hands on my stomach. The baby is relaxed, no longer kicking like crazy, but I find it funny she does this any time I’m upset or crying. She settles down and slows her movements as if she’s trying to be careful.

Rolling onto my side, I tuck my hands under my head and stare at the wall where Ender had a picture of Babe Ruth framed. As much as I don’t want to forgive him for leaving me, I think about what I’d do if he walked into this room, curled up behind me and pressed his lips to the curve of my neck. I consume myself in thoughts of my body in his arms, the safest place I’ve ever felt, and now here I am, being forced to navigate a future without him.

Maybe it’s for the better. Maybe I’ll be stronger learning to live on my own rather than in the shadows of him.

36

WHEN I HAD A BABY

The months all blur together and before I know it, spring is almost here and the heat in Georgia is suffocating. My baby has fingernails and is almost full term. She’s wild, never stops moving and I spend more time in the bathroom peeing than I do anywhere else.

My dad finds out about the baby on Christmas Day. He tries to track down Ender, but like all of us, there’s no word. Theo calls me a slut. To my face. I’ve literally had sex once, and I’m a slut. Huh. I have this vision of Ender knocking him the fuck out over that one, because you and I both know he would have.

My mom moves to Athens and buys a house near campus. At first, I’m upset that she moved because she doesn’t think I can do it on my own, but in the long run, it’s easier. Arya and I move in with her.

My sisters find out. Hazel offers help, Brenna calls me and congratulates me, but I don’t answer. And Becca, she says she saw Ender over Christmas break. Arya and Myles say she’s lying, but I still don’t know if she’s telling the truth.

I run into Kamila, believe it or not. She got in a car accident that disfigured her face.

I’m kidding.

But I do have an interesting conversation with her and lie through my teeth the entire time. It happens after a doctor’s appointment where I’m in Atlanta. I stop by the mall, pick up a couple things for the baby, and then Starbucks. That’s when I see her standing in line waiting for her drink as I leave.

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