Page 91 of Paper Hearts

I’m terrifiedto become a mother. It hits me in my ninth month that maybe I’m making a mistake. Maybe I don’t know what the freaking fuck I’m doing.

Arya throws me a baby shower and I cry the entire day, but realize I’m silly to think I can’t do this. I can. I lose myself in writing every night. I find peace in walking on the weekends with Arya and my sister Harper, and we fall in love with my daughter before she’s even born, spending hours watching her kick, fascinated that life’s inside me.

I don’t talk to my dad, I push Becca and my other sisters further away, and finally, I go into labor four days after I turn nineteen.

It happens on a humid day in March, when the sky is scalloped by clouds and my mind is at ease. I smile when my water breaks and rush to the hospital with Arya. My daughter is brought into the world two hours and twenty-four minutes after I walk in. It’s as if she’s wasting no time and making her presence in this world known.

They say you fall in love with your child the moment you first hold them. The instant I hear her cry, my own tears surface and I know, without a doubt, I would do anything for this little girl.

As I cradle her in my arms for the first time, Arya, my mom and Lana beside me, I stare at the crazy who used to kick harder every time I ate tacos. She has a head full of dark hair, the cutest face I’ve ever seen, and she’s absolute perfection. I memorize everything about her from the curve of her ear to the soft pink shades of her cheeks.

Lana holds her granddaughter for the first time and gasps. “She’s a spitting image of him, Hads.”

She’s right, she is, but it does nothing for my heart. It aches that he’s not here with me. What would he do? Would he be happy? Would he smile and say, “I got you, Hads”?

“How am I going to do this without him?” I cry, fat hot tears rolling down my cheeks as the fear paralyzes me.

Lana’s eyes find mine. “Honey, mothers have it inside of them. You can give this little girl exactly what she needs. You were born to know how.”

I don’t know if I agree with her, but looking at my daughter, I’ll do anything, be anything for her, no matter the cost.

“What’s her name?” Lana asks, handing her back to me.

I have no idea what to name her, but as I look down at my daughter, it’s like she’s picked her own name and I smile. It comes to me in an instant, like the instinct to protect her from everything evil in the world, even heartache.

“Eddie Rose,” I breathe, touching my fingertips to her cheeks. I know it’s not your standard baby girl name, but my grandma Edna, we used to call her Eddie and I loved that.

Lana smiles and presses her lips to my temple. “It’s perfect for her.”

I found him in everything he left behind. Her.

* * *

After the moms leave,my dad comes by. While he’s civil, I can tell he wants to say I’m making a mistake. Instead, he says, “I wish we knew where that piece of shit is so he can take care of this mistake.”

I’ve never hated my dad more than I do now. Anger pulses through me and I draw in a breath. “Don’t ever talk bad about him in front of her.” I shift my position in the bed to sit up straighter. “I don’t care if she’s hours old, or eighteen, she gets the right to make her own assumptions about him.”

Dad shakes his head, disappointment in his hard eyes. “You still love him, even after all this.”

I drop my eyes to Eddie sleeping between my legs. “I love her, and he gave her to me, so yes, I do love them. I don’t regret it.”

“Someday you’re going to see it takes more than love to raise a child.”

Maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m blind.

* * *

Arya laysnext to me in the bed, taco wrappers surrounding the tray next to me. “We’re parents,” she whispers, kissing my cheek.

I laugh through tears. Something about having a baby that brings a flood of tears that don’t seem to stop. “Two moms.”

“She’s so loved.” Arya runs her fingers over Eddie’s nose. “She has his nose and chin.”

“And my lips.”

“A perfect combination of the two of you.”

“Is it wrong to wish he was here with me?”

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