Page 94 of Paper Hearts

“You mean angry?”

“Yeah.”

“As far as I can remember. He was a tough little shit though. I remember him coming to practice with six stitches in his lip when he was nine. His bottom teeth had gone completely through the top lip. He said he got hit with a ball, but I knew he didn’t when I saw Theo’s hand that same night with red knuckles.”

“Why was Theo so mean to him?” I’ve seen the gentler side of Theo, but I’m almost positive Ender never did.

“Because Ender was an easy target for him. He took it and let him do it. He’d provoke him just to get him to hit him. From what I gather, Theo’s been taking his frustrations out on Ender before he could fight back, and when he finally did fight back, it only got worse.”

“That’s what I don’t understand.” My voice rises with my words, anger throbbing at my temples. “I couldneverimagine laying a hand on Eddie, no matter how mad I got, never ever would I hurt her.”

I realize the slip before he does, but Carter stares at me curiously and then a soft smile graces his lips. “How old is she?”

I hang my head and reach for my drink again. “Seven months. If you hear from him, please don’t say anything. I really don’t want him finding out about her from anyone but me.”

He nods. “I wouldn’t do that to you.” And then he winks, bumping into my shoulder. “But I am going to show you a good time.”

“Good time?”

“Yep. You’re coming back to my place.”

Oh shit.

* * *

I’mdrunk enough I agree to take the party back to Carter’s place in Atlanta, but Arya comes with me. I don’t know if I can trust Carter, but I think I want to. Arya’s right, I need to move on. I have to put myself back together for Eddie’s sake, and if that means going to a college party and acting my age, then I should. I can be a mother tomorrow, but tonight, I want to be a nineteen-year-old college student.

That leads me to the back deck of Carter’s house next to a keg.

Carter pulls back completely and lets his hand fall from the wall to reach for his beer he set down on the bar next to us. Then his eyes meet mine again. “When are you gonna let me kiss you? I’ve upped my game since I was seventeen.”

Whoa, flashback. Ender in the water, his chin dipping below the surface, teasing me.“Do you want me to kiss you?”

Just as I remember this, I realize Carter is really close to me again and has set his beer down, allowing his hands to be free. I have a lot of emotions running through me, and couple that with the beer, I react.

“Okay, show me what you got.” Grabbing Carter’s T-shirt, I pull his soft lips to mine. Feeling his hand move around my back and down until it’s resting securely on my hip, I yank my body to his.

And then Arya comes into the room. “Hey, jungle monkey, where’s the hard shit?”

Carter chuckles against my lips and gives Arya a grin. “Jungle monkey?”

Arya waggles her eyebrows, tipping her cup at Carter. “Where’s the good shit? My boyfriend is a dick, and I don’t want to remember a damn thing tomorrow except than I had a good time.”

“Well then, follow me, ladies.” He tips his head toward the kitchen.

I do recall Arya puking in the kitchen sink later and then yelling, “Fuckin’ eh!” at the top of her lungs. We do some beer bongs, and then we do some more, with vodka. I really like whipped cream vodka and vanilla Monster drinks, which is Carter’s specialty drink.

I dance my ass off to “Brass Monkey.” And Arya goes swimming in a mud puddle with rubber duckies she finds in Carter’s bathroom. Why he has them, we do not know, nor do we care.

Eventually, though, the night leads to where I know it will. Me and Carter alone in his room. He’s all hands-on from that point, sloppy even, but he still has himself under control. I enjoy the fact that he’s turned on, so desperate that he’s fumbling around, but I can’t get Ender out of my head. Carter’s touch isn’t the same. It’s softer, but I crave that hard edge Ender always had, like he was moments away from losing himself.

As Carter moves between my legs, grinding his erection into me, I don’t think about the one above me. I live in the night Ender hovered above me, half-naked, cargo shorts around his ankles, belt buckle clanking against the wood planks of the dock, one hand holding himself up. There was nothing romantic or even memorable, aside from the fact I lost my virginity on a dock, to a boy who will never truly be mine. If anything, it should have been a memory I forgot. But I can’t.

I can’t be with guys like Carter, because Ender mind-fucked me into thinking he’s the only guy. Or so I think I can’t.

I grip the bottom of Carter’s T-shirt, pushing it up, desperate to wash away Ender’s memory. He helps me by peeling it off and dropping it to the floor by my jeans. “Fuck, you’re so sexy.”

Uh-huh. Whatever. Just get this over with.I don’t say those things to him, but it’s what I’m feeling. My panties feel like a slip n’ slide, and I’m reminded my body wants sex, regardless of who it’s with. Everything he’s doing is arousing but also feels kind of wrong.

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