Page 95 of Paper Hearts

Wrong touch, wrong name, wrongeverything.

Ender.

Ender.

Ender…he’s not Ender.

Ender.

Suddenly it’s like the weight of the world hits my chest. “I can’t,” I cry out against him.

He stops instantly, and rises to his knees. “What’s wrong?” Carter stares at me, blinking in disbelief I’m telling him to stop. He’s panting, he’s hard, and I can’t do this. Not with him.

I grab my shirt and throw my jeans on. “I’m sorry. I’m a mess.”

And that’s what I leave him with. Those words exactly.

Sometimes I do wonder what the fuck is wrong with me and why I can’t brainwash myself into sealing the gaping hole in my heart.

* * *

The next morningArya and I are getting coffee. Eddie’s kicking her feet in her stroller and angry at the world over her pacifier falling out, and Arya’s telling me about her dream last night where she was running through a hotel lobby in Vegas holding her own shit in a towel. The bellhop outside refused to get a taxi for her, so she threw her shit at him.

Crazy girl. Then she asks about Carter. “How was it last night?”

“Carter?”

“Yeah. I don’t remember my night with him, other than him taking my virginity, so I’m curious how it was.”

“I fucking hate your brother, Arya. I need therapy,” I tell her, taking another swig of coffee. “And I didn’t have sex with Carter. Your brother has destroyed my life.”

“I hate him too. He stole my White Stripes CD before he left.” Arya shakes her head. “Motherfucker.”

Motherfucker is right.

But is he? Maybe he left for a reason? Maybe it had nothing to do with me? Sighing, I look down at Eddie who now has her pacifier in her hand and she’s staring at it like she can’t decide if she’s going to throw it on the ground again or put it in her mouth. The way she’s scowling at it reminds me of Ender.

“Carter told me a bunch of shit about Theo beating the crap out of Ender.” I look over at her, pushing the stroller forward out of the coffee shop.

Arya’s face falls, her expression completely different as she removes the paper wrapper around her straw. “He did?”

“He said Ender showed up at his house a lot after their fights.”

She nods and picks up her coffee from the cup holder in the stroller and shoves the straw inside. We continue walking up the brick sidewalk to the boutique shops. “Dad was really hard on him.”

“Really hard, Arya? He physically abused him and nobody did anything.”

Arya eyes fill with tears. “I didn’t know what to do, Hads. I was a kid myself and Ender would come into my room at night, bleeding, sobbing, and I had no idea how to help him. But he’d stay in my room all night to protect me. I was smaller and couldn’t defend Ender so I kept quiet. I begged my mom to do something before he hurt him, but I don’t think she knew what to do either. He only ever took his anger out on Ender.”

“But she let it happen. If someone ever laid a hand on Eddie… No.” I shake my head. “No fucking way I’d let them get away with it.”

“It wasn’t like she didn’t say anything,” Arya points out. “She tried. She’d lie to my dad about where he was and keep things from him, but he always seemed to find out, and I think Ender provoked him to keep Dad from hurting anyone else. If he had a target, that meant he wouldn’t try anything with Mom or Myles.”

My heart hurts so badly for Ender. Knowing his past, I feel selfish for being angry with him. Of course he wanted to leave. Who wouldn’t after going through a childhood like that? I think back to that first year I met them at the lake. Their family had money, fancy clothes, expensive cars… everything most want, but they had secrets too.

Ender was right. Money can’t buy happiness.

38

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