Page 97 of Paper Hearts

For so long I’ve tried to differentiate myself from my sisters and not be the youngest Hayes girl. The only one who never treated me like that was Ender. And now I feel like I’m just another girl lumped in the who-messed-around-with-Ender-James club.

* * *

I can’t sleep.Not only is Eddie wide awake crying when I get home, but I drank too much and I’m afraid if I lay down, I might throw up. So I hold Eddie, pacing my room with her asleep on my shoulder. All I think about is Ender and my sisters and what their experience with him was like.

Hazel comes stumbling out of the bathroom around 4:00 a.m. having spent the night on the toilet from those questionable tacos she had. I’m sitting on the couch with Eddie as she watches cartoons, wide awake again.

“Hey,” she mumbles, pale as a ghost, falling next to me on the couch, arms and legs fanning out.

Eddie looks over at her and frowns, as if she doesn’t know what to think of this girl in our house. She’s only met Hazel twice.

“Are you alive?” I tease, my humor returning slightly as I pick up one of her arms and then let it fall back to the couch.

“Yah, just remind me never to eat fish tacos again.”

Leaning forward, I cover Eddie’s ears and ask, “Did you have sex with Ender, Hazel?” I can’t help it. I need confirmation he isn’t a complete douchebag.

Eddie pushes my hands away. “No, Mama.” She forces my hands back into my lap. “No.”

She doesn’t talk much but she has no and Mama down pretty good.

“No,” Hazel mumbles, face still planted in the pillow. “It never got that far.” I think she feels bad because she lifts her head, mascara smeared all over her face. “It wasn’t anything special, Hadi. And it certainly didn’t mean anything. He wasn’t into it—that was for sure. He stopped it, and asked me not to say anything to you. I realized then he felt something for you.”

I grumble a few words and then say, “It apparently didn’t mean shit to him.”

“You meant something. He didn’t sleep with me or Becca because of you, and he had the opportunity a few times with her.”

“How do you know that?” I push the pillow away from her. “Did he say that?”

“He gave her a ride to the lake one night, or something, I don’t really know, but I guess she tried something with him and he declined. And then she saw him in Atlanta once at a bar, tried again and he turned her down.”

I stare at my oldest sister in the worst shape of her life. Pale skin, bags under her eyes, and I wonder why. Why did she do anything with Ender? “You were getting married that spring. Why’d you ruin things with Chandler?”

Hazel rolls onto her back and rests her hands on her stomach. “I think that’s why I did. I was barely eighteen, about to get married, and had been with one boy my entire life.”

“So Ender came onto you?”

She shakes her head. “No, he didn’t. Wasn’t even looking at me. I was drunk, wild, and looking for trouble. So I picked the first one I saw. Ender James. I didn’t even know you had a thing for him, nor did I realize how old he was, but it started. He ended it quickly, said he was fifteen, and begged me not to tell you.”

My heart feels like there’s thousands of pins and needles attacking it. I swallow and settle next to my sister. “So why’d he kiss Becca right in front of me a year later?”

“Becca kissed him, and you know Becca.”

She’s right, I do know Becca, and that kiss was probably out of spite. In front of us, Eddie slides off the couch, dancing to the music on her cartoon. I watch her with a smile, her dark curls bouncing with every shake of her hips.

Hazel sighs and reaches for a glass of water beside her. “From what Becca said, he told her no. They kissed and that was it. She found him later that night by the cove looking for you and he was adamant nothing would happen. He basically said fuck off to her and walked away.”

Something did happen though. He kissed her and I saw it. I turn my head and look over at her. “She said that?”

“Yep.” Hazel takes the blankets and pulls them up over her head, groaning. “As you can imagine, she wasn’t happy.”

Maybe he isn’t horrible?

No, fuck that, he is.

39

WHEN I FINISHED MY BOOK

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