Page 11 of Between the Stars

Inside the car, I laid back on the seat, my hands fisting in his flannel, pulling him forward. I’d never felt so alive as I did in his arms, his presence all-consuming and controlling. Nothing else mattered but the closeness he provided. The time away, me at college and him in Amarillo had only amplified every emotion, and I couldn’t get enough.

Neither could Jace.

Eagerly following my lead, he crawled forward, giving me his weight. I spread my thighs wider, welcoming the heat of his body against mine. “Who’s the guy with you?”

My heart pumped harder. “Griff.”

“Serious?”

I shook my head.

“I don’t have anything,” he admitted, holding himself steady above me with one hand on the seat, the other on the door panel. He looked defeated. Annoyed at himself. But Jace and I, we’d never used anything. We trusted each other. Or we were just that stupid when it came to safe sex.

“I want you bare.” I touched my fingertips to his parted lips. “I want to feel you coming inside me.”

Letting go of the door panel, he ripped my shirt up to reveal my bare tits to him. Sucking in my right nipple, he swirled his tongue around the pebbled flesh and then groaned. “Fuck, I missed your dirty words.” Resting his forehead against mine, every muscle in his neck strained and his lips met mine. Grinding into me, his hardness dug into softness.

Desperate for more, I pawed at his clothes and fisted his flannel between my hands. “I need you. Now.” I shimmed out of my shorts, and his leather belt unfastened just as quickly. Pushing his jeans past his hips, he groaned again, open-mouthed in mine, and I gripped the back of his neck as he entered me. He broke the kiss moments later, his lips parting as he let out a shaky exhale.

My lungs hungrily sucked in greedy breaths, trying desperately to hold myself together. Deep down, I knew what this was. A one-time hookup in the back seat of a car that wasn’t his, but still, I took what he gave me because after years of separation, I would take what I could get from the one my heart wouldn’t let go of.

Through foggy windows, I stared up at the stars in the sky as he rocked into me, strong heart beats thumping wildly against my ribcage. While I had his touch, it wasn’t enough. I wanted his words. I wanted his voice, his reassurance that our future wouldn’t always be like this—a secret—but he didn’t give that to me. He gave me what he could. Sex.

There was a moment when I wanted to tell him I loved him, that still, after everything, I loved him more than I loved myself sometimes. Instead, the words were swallowed instead of released.

A second later, his legs tensed and his measured thrusts into me quickened. As our bodies convulsed, he breathed into my hair, cradling my head in his hands and his rough voice teased my skin. “My back seat baby…,” he whispered, swelling inside me, jerking his hips forward. I held onto him, desperate for the connection to continue, and watched every emotion on his face.

I didn’t have his words. I didn’t even have him, really, but he gave me what I needed, and I’d never felt more alive than I did with him under the stars.

My head hittingthe back of the shower tile and the warm liquid pooling in my mouth brings me back to the moment I’m in. I’m ashamed, guilt-stricken, yet still present. I do everything I should and swallow, stand up and pretend my thoughts are with the one steadying himself against the wall.

Griff pants quick breaths, one hand on the shower wall, shaking water from his eyes. “Holy shit, I swear, you’re the best at that.”

The best? I don’t know whether I should thank him for the compliment or tell him I learned from a boy who taught me how to give head in the dusty barn while we were supposed to be bailing hay. I swallowed for the first time as he cradled my head in his hands and told me no one would ever get him off like I did.

I wonder if it’s still true, after all these years.

My heart pounds harder at the memories drowning me. Why? Why is he consuming me like this? If I hadn’t sent that invitation to his family, he wouldn’t have called. But in truth, I did it on purpose. I had to know what he’d do.

I force a smile Griff’s way and turn toward the spray of water, trying to wash away the guilty thoughts. What am I doing? How can I marry Griff when my thoughts are constantly with Jace?

I can’t.

I don’t know. Maybe if I go home for Christmas and talk to him, maybe that’ll help clear my mind?

Or complicate it.

“What’s wrong?” Griff asks, noticing my mood is off. He grips my hip. “Do you want me to get you off?”

Ha.When’s the last time you did that, buddy?I shake my head. “I’m okay.” Drawing in a deep breath, I squirt a quarter-sized drop of shampoo into my hand. “I know I said I’d be here for Christmas, but I really need to make a trip home.”

What? I don’t even know what I’m saying. It’s like the words are coming out on their own will. I’m going home for Christmas? When did this happen?

Silence hums through the shower before I see the roll of Griff’s throat followed by “What?” His brow draws together, just as surprised by my words. “Why?”

I blink steadily, trying to convince myself this is what I need to do. “I miss my family.” I make sure not to add,“And I can’t marry you until I know it’s over between Jace and me.”

Okay, so that’s the real reason. At least I can admit that to myself, right? Does that make me less of an asshole?

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