Page 62 of Between the Stars

Somewhere along the lines of the last month, I think I’ve lost myself more than ever before. I know I’m making a mistake, but I don’t know how to change my circumstances without ruining everything.

And maybe you expect it, but I’m depressed, barely eating, and have no idea what happens to my life next. I graduated college last spring and almost a year later, I’m getting married next month, but when will I have time for me? Griff tells me I’ll be pregnant before the end of the year. As if our entire life is already planned out. It’s as if since the engagement, my dreams have been put on hold. I was supposed to do my boards after getting my bachelor’s degree in science and nursing and haven’t. I’ve put off taking them twice now and postponed my internship at the hospital because Griff told me to. And I wonder after we’re married, will I lose myself completely?

Part of me even knows it will happen. I look at Griff’s mother and see my future. Shadowed by a man of power. Sure, she has a life, but everything she posts on social media has to be approved by him. She’s an event coordinator on the side and he dictates her client list. Hell, she can’t even buy her own clothes. He has someone that does that for her.

Will that be my future?

It doesn’t help that we’re house hunting today, cementing a future I fear is no longer mine, but Griffin Hemington’s, and the life his parents want us to live.

Outside Nashville and minutes from Franklin, there’s a private community nestled in the hills of Tennessee. A place where private million-dollar homes are gated and have yearly dues to golf clubs. It’s called The Grove. It’s over a thousand acres of trails, homes, and seven restaurants. I’m not even joking. You can have your kid in a private school in the community, and even take equestrian lessons. There are private pools, firepits, and a fitness center ready to entitle your rich ass because you have to be rich to live here. I won’t dish out numbers, but a six-figure job isn’t gonna cut it. Think seven.

The home the Hemington Family wants to show us? Nice, but not me. It’s a new build, never lived in, and not ready for move in but close. They throw terms out to me like cozy living area with a fireplace and look at that sprawling master bedroom suite with his and hers bathrooms. There’s a butler’s pantry and water closets. I’m sorry, but what’s a butler’s pantry? Where I come from, you make your own meals. At least my mama did.

And water closet? Come on. Call it a bathroom. Or if you want to be proper, a powder room. But I’m not focused on that. I’m concerned with my happiness and how the hell I’m going to stand up for myself and say I don’t want this. I envy women like Josie who will tell you to shove it up your ass, because I can’t do that. I’m not saying it’s my mama’s fault, but I was raised differently, I guess.

“And the school’s here are private?” Griff asks, his eyes on the backyard of the home that backs up against a thick wooded area.

“Yes, they’re private,” the realtor tells him.

The leaves are slowly sprouting on the trees but the effects of winter are still present. Everything is brown and dead. Cold. Lonely.

I look at Griff, the man pressed and pleated pants and white button-down discussing schools and golf memberships. That’s not the guy my heart wants. The one my heart wants? He wears Carhartt and a cowboy hat on Sundays. And when I look over at Griff, I think of someone else. The one with rough hands cradling my cheeks and begging for my virginity? When I stare out at the back covered patio with the outdoor fireplace, I want a bonfire in a field and mud wrestling in the rain after 4-wheelin’ all day in the rain. I see the pool and wonder, where’s the nights spent skinny dipping in Bishop’s pond?

Are these homes my style? No. I want a barn on a pasture with horses, not equestrian lessons.

Tears sting my eyes and I step away from Griff and excuse myself. Outside, children ride their bikes in the streets and moms follow close behind. I think of Jace and the first time I rode a bike and he told me, if you fall, I’ll catch you. We were six years old, but he always caught me when I fell.

Until now. When I couldn’t give him the answer he wanted, when he wanted it.

Griff and the realtor follow me outside. His arm snakes around my waist and without consulting with me, smiles at the woman. “We’ll take the house. Make whatever offer you feel is suitable to the sellers.”

My eyes snap to Griff and though the realtor doesn’t catch it, I do. He glances at me, darkness in his features, and then back to the woman.

I don’t say a word, because what am I going to say? I know he sees the change in us, but he won’t acknowledge that he’s the cause behind it. He ignores my unhappiness because if he doesn’t give it words, to him it doesn’t exist.

Sadly, neither do I.

* * *

While Griff isat work that night, I call Josie to check on her… and Jace. She doesn’t answer, but calls me back.

I swipe my finger over the screen and curl up on the couch, flipping through movies on Netflix. “Let me guess, you were screwing my brother?”

Josie laughs. “Well, if you must know, he just left.”

“Seriously?” I reach for my tea on the end table next to the couch, trying to curb the waves of nausea I’ve had all day. I take a sip and then set it down. “What happened to Tinder girl?”

“No idea.” Josie laughs. “Because I don’t know when he’s had time to see her.”

I talked to Rhett last week, and though he sounded happy, he didn’t say anything about seeing Josie. But I also didn’t know he was dating someone on Tinder.

“So…,” she begins. “What’s new? Am I coming out there next month or did you call the wedding off?”

My heart thuds faster. “I don’t know what to do, Josie. I feel like shit after coming out there with Griff, but I didn’t know what to do and now everything is fucked up. He put an offer in on a house and didn’t even consult with me. It’s like I wasn’t even there.”

“Do you think he knows about you and Jace and he’s just being vindictive now?”

“Yes, I think he is. And I know if I call off the wedding, his dad will sell my dad’s company that same day and leave them with nothing. Their business will be gone.”

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