Page 125 of Left on Base

Please tell me he's still wearing the bedazzled eye patch

It has tiny forks glued to it now

I wish I was kidding

Where do you even find tiny forks??

“Hey,” Fork Guy nudges me, voice dropping to a stage whisper, “what about this: ‘Baby, you must be a healing crystal because you’re making all my negative energy disappear.'"

My shoulders shake. I snort, trying to hide it as a cough, slouching even lower in my chair. “Bro, that's somehow worse.”

Ask him if he’s tried eating ramen right-side up

Might improve his game

“Emerald,” Fork Guy tries again, twisting so his fork-patch catches the lights, “I couldn’t help but notice your tarot cards. Want to do a reading on our future together?”

Emerald doesn’t even look up. “The cards say you need to work on your root chakra,” she says, deadpan.

He taps her on the shoulder, then quickly pulls his hand back when she glares. “Umm… Is that… is that good?” His voice is hopeful, but his fingers fidget nervously with his backpack strap.

I text Camdyn again:

He just asked about her root chakra

I don't think he knows what that means

OMG at least he’s not trying to eat upside down this time

“So,” Fork Guy whispers, unfazed by the steady stream of rejection, “how are things with Bush Girl? Did my fork metaphor help? Did you guys, you know…” He makes that weird gesture again, this time with a plastic fork held like a magic wand.

“Are you having a stroke? Should I be concerned?”

“Don’t deflect. I saw the way you looked at her in the ER. Like she was the last packet of ramen in the dining hall.” His fork drops with a soft clink onto the desk.

“That’s... that’s not romantic at all.”

“Speaking of romance,” he perks up, glancing at Emerald as she pulls out sage and starts fanning smoke across her crystals, “hey, Em, is that sage in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

The entire class goes silent. Professor Chen stops mid-lecture, chalk frozen halfway to the board. Even the guy who’s been asleep since syllabus week lifts his head, blinking.

Updateee

He just used a sage pickup line

I’m transferring schools

Tell him to try ‘Are you a parking meter? Because I’d feed you quarters all night long’

Professor Chen sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Mr. Fork Incident, would you like to share your insights on cognitive dissonance with the class?”

Fork Guy straightens, clearing his throat with theatrical importance. “Actually,” he declares, “I have some firsthand experience with that. See, last night I tried to eat ramen while doing a handstand, which clearly demonstrated the conflict between my desire for adventure and my basic understanding of physics…”

I text Camdyn again:

He’s giving a presentation on how his fork incident relates to cognitive dissonance

I think he might actually be a genius

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