Page 3 of Accidentally Abducted

"Right." Jake stops walking and turns to look at me directly. "Zeph, can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"Did anyone on your research team actually talk to a human? Like, an actual conversation with a real person?"

The question hits me with unexpected force. "We... consulted extensive digital archives. Social media platforms, educational videos, cultural documentation..."

"But no actual conversations."

"No," I admit. "Direct contact was deemed unnecessary given the comprehensive nature of our digital research."

Jake stares at me for a moment, then starts laughing. Not the cruel laughter I might have expected, but something warm and oddly fond. "Oh, you guys are in for such a surprise."

"A surprise?"

"Humans are terrible at documenting what we actually want or need. Half the stuff we post online is aspirational bullshit, and the other half is us complaining about things we can't change." He starts walking again, and I find myself matching his pace automatically. "If you wanted to understand humans, you should have just asked one."

"We are asking one now," I point out.

"Yeah, but you got the wrong one. I'm not exactly representative of optimal human behavior."

There is something in the way he says this that suggests he genuinely believes it to be true, and I find that troubling for reasons I cannot quite identify. "What would make you non-optimal?"

Jake glances at me, surprised by the question. "I don't know. I'm sarcastic, I have trust issues, I use humor to avoid emotional intimacy, and I apparently have terrible taste inboyfriends." He pauses. "Plus, I'm the guy who got left behind when the aliens came calling. That's got to count against me somehow."

"You were not left behind," I say, stopping in front of the quarters' entrance. "You were selected."

"I was selected by mistake."

"Perhaps," I say, pressing the panel to open the door. "But you are here now."

The quarters reveal themselves with their soft lighting and carefully researched furniture arrangements, and I watch Jake's face as he takes it all in. His expression cycles through several phases, surprise, assessment, and something that might be amusement.

"Wow," he says, walking over to examine one of the seating units. "This is... this is really something."

"The design was optimized for human comfort and social interaction," I say, though I am beginning to suspect that our definition of optimization may have been flawed.

"It looks like someone took a really expensive furniture showroom and bleached it," Jake says, but he settles into one of the chairs and seems genuinely surprised by its comfort. "Although I have to admit, this is actually pretty nice to sit on."

Relief floods through me. "The seating was designed to accommodate a variety of human body types while providing optimal support."

"Okay, you got that part right." Jake looks around the space again. "So this is where we're going to be conducting our compatibility assessment?"

"Yes." I remain standing, suddenly uncertain about everything from the lighting levels to the air temperature. "Though given the... change in circumstances, the assessment parameters may require modification."

"What were the original parameters?"

I hesitate, knowing that our planned assessment schedule is going to sound even more ridiculous when spoken aloud to an actual human. "Days one through three were structured around progressive intimacy building. Shared meals, recreational activities, personal information exchange, and... physical compatibility evaluation."

"Physical compatibility evaluation," Jake repeats. "You mean sex."

The directness of human communication continues to catch me off-guard. "Sexual compatibility assessment, yes. Though only if both participants were willing and genuinely interested."

"And this was all planned out in advance? Like, day one: small talk, day two: heavy petting, day three: full compatibility testing?"

The way he phrases it makes the entire program sound both mechanical and slightly ridiculous. Which, I am beginning to realize, it may actually be. "The progression was designed to be... organic. Natural development of attraction and comfort."

Jake is quiet for a moment, and I find myself studying his face, trying to determine his thoughts. When he speaks again, his voice is gentler than before.

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