Page 59 of In This Together

‘I’m sorry,’ he said.

She took a breath. ‘Me too.’

Both facing each other, they said more in the look they shared than either of them could say in words. He was her father. He had done his best in a shitty situation.

‘I don’t know how to help her if she won’t leave him, Dad.’

‘Nor do I. Thing is, the sicker he gets, the more Sofia will feel an obligation to stay with him.’

Andrea thought about that statement and the truth of it. Their mom had died slowly, with Jimmy by her side, caring for her. Those were the things Sofia committed to her memory, not the long months that followed the funeral, or the turbulent years that followed their move north.

‘We have to help him,’ Jimmy said. ‘We’ll help get him clean.’

Reluctantly, Andrea agreed. ‘But if he’s clean again, she’ll stay. He’ll continue battering down her confidence, changing her and trying to make her change the business. It’ll be like rinse and repeat.’ What Sofia needed was a real out. A real split. A clean break.

‘I got clean and stayed clean,’ Jimmy said.

‘You had two girls at home and you were never a shitty person to begin with, Dad. You just… had it tough for a while.’

‘I really am sorry for everything I put onto you, Andi.’

She wanted to say that it was fine, but the words wouldn’t come. ‘Why don’t you talk to Jay? Man-to-man, from someone who…’

‘Has walked a mile in those shoes? It’s okay, it’s true. You’re right and I’ll try it. I don’t think he’s in a frame of mind to listen, but I’ll try it.’

‘Sofia could do with a break from him. Maybe she could see what life would be like otherwise. Maybe that’s a good thing, maybe not, but it would give her some perspective either way. I know of some clinics that aren’t crazy expensive. If you can get him to agree, and I doubt whether you can, I’ll look into it. If insurance doesn’t cover it…’

Jimmy held up a hand to stop her. ‘If insurance doesn’t cover it, I’ll find a way.’

Though she had every intention of revisiting that conversation if, or when, the time came, for now, she understood that Jimmy needed to wear the situation himself.

* * *

By the time she sat back down on the train to return to the city, Andrea felt drained. They had a plan now. Stage one was up to Jimmy. If anyone could reason with an alcoholic, it was a recovering alcoholic. Stage two was on her and if she had a chance of making it work, it was when Jay was in recovery. For now, she would keep it to herself. Ultimately, she could free Sofia once and for all. With near certainty, she would cause a rift between her and her sister that might never be resolved.

She leaned her head back against the seat and closed her eyes, just for a moment, and she saw her mom. Her long brown waves of hair. Her fiercely green eyes. The hippie dresses and cowboy boots she used to wear. The way she would sing Andrea to sleep, stroking her temple. The memory was like a blanket wrapping around her, warming her, comforting her, making her feel as if she wasn’t alone.

‘The next stop will be Penn Station,’ the driver announced over the tannoy, interrupting her thoughts.

She was back on a dirty train, alone. On the fringe of making a rift between her and her sister even bigger, having dredged up the past with her father, she and her best friend in the world barely tolerating each other, having slept with her other friend’s dad for six months. For so long, she had tried to be all the things to all the people who needed her, and now that she’d managed to shatter every relationship that mattered, she found herself wondering…

* * *

‘What’s the point? If I’m not the mother-cum-big-sister. If I’m not the best friend who pays over the odds for a PA to help her out. If I’m not the friend whoisn’tromping with your father and tries to rationalise your crazy thoughts. If I’m not the daughter who just sucks it up and I’m no longer the award-winning producer because I’m sitting behind a desk looking over financial statements. Then who the hell am I?’

Tommy’s lips turned up as he popped the ring on a club soda and set the can down on the countertop in front of Andrea, where she was sitting perched on a stool, with Rocky ‘the rock star’ at her feet.

‘What are you smiling at?’ she asked.

‘The fact you’re a hot mess,’ he said, his voice decorated in good humour and somehow enough to make Andrea smile too.

‘Gee, thanks. Aren’t I glad I turned up at your door? The sympathetic ear.’

Tommy took up a stool on the opposite side of his kitchen island. His hair was dishevelled, he was dressed in a plain black T-shirt and ripped jeans, and he had nothing on his feet. He looked perfectly normal and perfectly edible.

‘I am,’ he said. ‘It’s nice to know that other people get lost sometimes, selfishly. How d’you think I got here, taking some time off the road, going back to grass roots and pouring it all out into lyrics? Sometimes, being all things to all people is exhausting. It’s too easy to forget who we really are.’

Andrea turned her can on the worktop. ‘You know what terrifies me more than any of it?’

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