Page 85 of Second Round

Sharon wrapped an arm around my shoulder and magically produced a box of tissues. “Did you want to talkaboutthis?”

“Men are idiots,” Isobbed.

“Perhaps I should leave for this conversation.” Neilhalf-rose.

“No, sorry. Not you, of course,” I replied. “Leo’s an idiot. And Brent. Anyone I get involved with, apparently.” But as my dad always said, if everyone around you is an idiot, maybe you’re the realidiot.

Neil left anyway but quickly reappeared with a wine glass and poured me some white. I had a sip and took a deepbreath.

“Thank you. Well, I’m not ready to dissect this whole thing, but you know one thing? I’m proud of myself.” Damn it, I was going to focus on the positive side. “This time it was me. I chose to break up with Leo because there was no futurewithhim.”

Sharon nodded, but looked a little mystified. “I thought you didn’t want anythingserious.”

“I don’t. But I do want the possibility. You know, at some point in the future.” Did I sound psycho? It was all so confusing. “I understand where Leo is coming from. He’s got a job that means he has to move a lot, and he’s been burnedbefore.”

Of course I was hurt when I told Leo I loved him, and he backed away so hard. But he was being a big chicken. We fit together so well, but he had all these stupid rules that he wasn’t willing to break. “Anyway, it’shisloss.”

Sharon was instantly supportive. “Yeah. Obviously, he’s not as smart as he thinks if he lets you get away. Fuuuuuck, it’s like he used you as a babysitter for Charlotte. And now that she’s gone, he doesn’t need youanymore.”

“Oh God. I never thought of that. Am I now past the point where guys use me for sex? They use me because I’m a goodmother?”

I buried my head in the pillows on Sharon’s couch. Both Wendy and Sophie had said something similar. And I was so quick to jump in and prove what a great mom I was when Charlotte was unhappy. I had done this tomyself.

Neil cleared his throat. “Uh, if I could speak up for all men—without getting my balls handed to me on a plate—sometimes it’s hard for guys to commitemotionally.”

“It’s not like Jackie’s jumping the gun here,” Sharon replied. “You guys were going out awhile.”

I raised my face from the cushions. “Sixmonths.”

“See? A fucking eternity. He’s an asshole, I never liked him,”Sharonsaid.

Neil questioned this. “Really? Because last week, you were saying what agood—ouch!”

Since I had my head buried back in the couch I had no idea what painful thing Sharon had done to Neil to make him shut up. It wasn’t enough that I had wrecked my own love life, now I was spoiling their eveningtogether.

I sat up. “You know, I think I’d like to go home and be alonerightnow.”

Sharon squinted at me. “But you haven’t got any furniture yet. Where are you going tosleep?”

“Maybe you could lend me a sleeping bag and pillow? Oh shoot. I left my overnight bag at Leo’s place.” It had my makeup and clean underwear inittoo.

“I’ll take care of that for you. And lend you whatever you want now. But are you sure you want to be alone?” Sharonasked.

“Yeah, if you stay, we won’t even flaunt our happiness in front of you,” Neil said. Sharon delivered a kick to his shins, and he yelped. That was completely adorable and I felt even worse. When would I find someone whose shins Icouldkick?

The drive home only took two minutes because we were almost next-door neighbours again. I walked into a completely empty house. Even Minx had been banished to my parent’s place until the movers had comeandgone.

The first time a guy broke up with me, I was fifteen and completely heartbroken. Dane Owen, my boyfriend of two months and two days, told me he needed to concentrate on lacrosse (something I still don’t understand). I cried all night. The next day my mother, who was the world’s cruellest mother, forced me to go to school. I spent half the day in the girl’s washroom, attended to by whoever of my friends had spare at the time. I continued wallowing for a week, sporadically crying, not eating, and listening to the sappiest songs in the world. And then Greg Perkins asked me out. I said yes and felt immediatelybetter.

But the thing about Brent leaving was that there was no wallowing time. There was no time when I could retire to my bedroom and turn my little nose up at the dinners my mother made. He left one night and then the next day, I had to get up, make breakfast, pack lunches, and try to explain away my puffy red eyes as allergies. At the beginning, I told the kids that their dad was on a business trip, but when he came back to get more clothes, I made him explain everything to the kids. After all, how could I explain something that I didn’t understandmyself?

The kids were the reason I never got to completely break down. Instead, I broke down little by little and managed to keep things going. Was it better to wallow and get things out of my system or put on my big girl pants and get on with things? I’d never have the luxury ofknowing.

And now, even though the kids were with Brent, I had so much to do before they got back. I had to clean, paint, and convert our rental house into a home. If this place was a mess when they walked in, it might make them regretthemove.

I decided to give myself one night to wallow. One night to feel completely sorry for myself, and then I’d get on with everything. I laid out Sharon’s sleeping bag on the cleanest square of floor in my new bedroom and crawledinside.

I closed my eyes and thought about everything I loved about Leo. The way he constantly touched me when we together, holding my hand or rubbing my arm or shoulder. He made me feel sexy and desired. He was so strong, both physically and mentally. His firm opinions were very appealing to a wavererlikeme.

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