Page 100 of Snowballed

And then I cry—hot tears that course down my cheek and turn cold in the night air. I cry out my anger and frustration at things that happened two years ago and at what I did two weeks ago.

Instead of my dad, it’s Noah that I miss the most now. The feeling of his strong arms around me. The goofy sweet side of him that nobody else knows. The time I heard his off-key singing to the goats—which was the moment I really fell in love with him.

Yes, love. And now it’s gone.

What happened to my dad was not my fault in any way—I get that now. And beating myself up about his decline is what got me into this bad place. But everything that happened with Noah was because of my insecurities. Knowing that makes me feel so much worse—it’s like I held a treasure and dropped it.

My eyes are swollen from crying, my head aches, and my limbs are cold. But nothing hurts as much as the emptiness of missing Noah.

Whap.

Something hits me in the back. Ouch. I turn around and see Pete has a huge stick in his mouth and he’s accidentally hit me with it. He’s proud though.

“Good boy,” I tell him. He bounces happily and manages to hit me in the arm.

Well, that’s the good thing about a farm. You don’t get time to wallow in self-pity because something’s always happening. I wipe my face with my mitten and stand up. I’m cold, and my legs feel stiff. I take off my skates and pull my boots back on.

I grab the shovel and begin the walk back. Pete drops the big stick as soon as he sees a faraway rabbit.

A breeze is blowing through the trees and making things colder. It’s been a huge day for me emotionally. I’m drained.

But I also feel cleansed. I hope I’ve gotten all my anger out. I feel that I can let the farm go now. I love this place, but that doesn’t mean I can’t leave—the spirit of our farm will always be inside me. I can pay tribute to my father by loving and respecting people. Because he always did that too.

34

Zoe

The week without farm work goes amazingly well. While I still can’t get over my uneasiness at having someone else doing all the chores, this holiday has given me an idea of what life will be like when we move. While I’ll miss the connection to the land and animals, it’s pretty nice to sleep in and not feel tired even before I get to hockey practice. I’m more alert in class, and the malaise I felt earlier is gone.

I’ve spent a lot of time with my mother this week. In truth, we’re looking after each other. When Carl drops by with flowers, I make more of an effort to get to know him. He’s a decent guy, and he really seems to care about my mother. I go to my room to give them privacy. When I hear the two of them giggling like teenagers, I feel like the parent. But I’m happy that they’re so happy.

My mother is off work this week, and since I have no farm work, we’ve been doing mother/daughter bonding things after school.

“How can we afford this?” I ask after she insists on buying me new jeans, a top, and a completely unnecessary but gorgeous dress. Well, the dresses were on a two-for-one sale, and she got one too.

“It’s coming from my emergency fund. Now I don’t have to worry about farm emergencies anymore.” My mother is an extreme budgeter, something else I’ve inherited from her. “I talked to Rusty Cooper. We got a real estate appraiser in, and we’re working on the details of the sale.”

She peers at me to make sure I’m okay with this.

And I am surprisingly okay. I’ve followed Lorraine’s advice and taken up meditation. Although I can barely do it for a minute at a time, even that much quiet time has allowed me to consider life in more nuanced terms. My mother wasn’t a villain in my father’s last months, but rather someone trying to manage a new and frightening reality. Instead of regretting the sale of our farm, I’m grateful for having two extra years.

“When are we moving?” I ask. There’s still a tremor in my voice because leaving will be hard.

“Rusty wants to start working the land as soon as it’s warm enough. But he doesn’t need the house right away, so we can wait until school is over. Or go sooner, it’s up to you.”

“Let me think about it. I guess it depends on where we’re going.” I have so many choices now. Am I going to continue living at home or get my own place? Now that the farm isn’t an option, I have to face my career decisions once I have my degree.

“I’m going to rent first. Once you and Derek figure out where you’ll be living, maybe I’ll buy something. I saw a cute condo.”

“I’ll have to figure out what to do with the animals,” I say. The chickens will be easy, someone always wants laying hens.

“Oh, Rusty mentioned that John is willing to buy your goats. The babies too.”

Bobby’s older brother is fastidious about the care of his animals, so my goats will have a good home. Although the thought of giving them up gives me a pang.

“Carl could take Pete. He’s been wanting a dog.” My mom again watches for my reaction.

“Does he have a yard?” I ask. She reassures me that Carl has a nice house with a big yard.

---