Page 83 of Snowballed

But this is exactly the problem I told her about that night on the pond. She has this cheery exterior, but underneath she’s like a land mine. And I never know what will set her off.

“Would it make you feel better to know what actually happened?” I ask.

Her face still looks miserable, but she nods. I explain about seeing Lauren at the club and how Amil is really the one who’s interested.

Finally she smiles. “I’m so sorry. Can we chalk up my insanity to holiday blues?”

“Sure,” I say. But Zoe’s insecurities are troubling. I’m sure that’s even deeper than just losing the farm, but every time I try to probe, she gets upset. “Hey, you know you can talk to me anytime, right? About anything.”

Zoe nods. Now she looks so anxious that I feel bad for pushing this.

“Let’s go home. I missed all my animal buddies,” I say.

But for some reason, even this doesn’t make Zoe smile.

We pull into the farm driveway. Once I get out, I can see the goats outside in a yard fenced in by snowbanks. They look even hairier than when I left. It must be their protection against the weather.

“Hey, ladies,” I call out to them. Katman skitters along the top of the wood fence to greet me, and I rub his head. I look over at the pigpen which is covered with snow. “Is Hammy in the barn?”

Zoe looks down. “Hammy’s not here.”

“Where is she?” I ask.

“Um. In the freezer. Sorry, we waited until you were gone to get her butchered. I knew you’d be upset.”

Am I upset? I liked Hammy, but she wasn’t a pet. I’d be far more upset if something happened to Katman.

This is what I don’t understand about Zoe’s devotion to the farm. She displays this emotional detachment when it comes to the animals. The Meyers have a farm garden and a farmhouse and a pretty pond. But otherwise, what is a farm? If you can rotate animals through, then maybe a farm is more of an idea. A place you can create anywhere and anytime.

I want to share this concept with Zoe. “Would leaving here really be the worst thing? You work so hard. Aren’t there things that you’ve never had a chance to do—like travel, live somewhere new, or even just sleep in? You could always get another farm later.”

She shakes her head. “It won’t be my dad’s farm. This was his dream.”

“I’m sure it wasn’t his dream that you’d miss out on life. What’s your dream?”

“My dream is what I’m doing.” Zoe whirls around to face me. Her face is pale, but her cheeks are flushed with anger. “I don’t believe this. You sound exactly like my mother. I thought you’d be the one person who would be on my side. I can’t even count on you.”

She marches into the house and closes the door in my face.

Fuck. It’s like my life can never be in sync. Now that things are good at home, things are bad here.

Welcome back to Vermont, Noah.

29

Zoe

Being dramatic and ridiculous is like being a cat caught too high in a tree. You’re scared and lonely, but even if some friendly fireman straight from the Hall of Flames calendar tries to rescue you, you resist him. You have to get out of that tree all on your own.

I have to apologize to Noah.I’m sorry I went all crazy-loco-bananas on you when you came back in such a great mood and all these wonderful things happened to you.But I got caught up in the essential unfairness of Noah—who is already a gold medal winner in the categories of hockey, physical gifts, and gorgeous exes—getting more medals while I’m getting crushed on all sides.

So I took out all my frustrations on him. Tomorrow, I’ll make a full and proper apology. And let him finish telling me all his good news.

When I wake up the next morning, he’s gotten up first and filled my to-go mug with coffee. There’s a piece of toast beside the coffee and it has peanut butter and a happy face made of raisins. My heart hurts. Noah is the wonderful boyfriend who I don’t deserve in any way.

The whiteboard shows me that he’s already taking care of the goats, so I do the chickens. And of course, with Hammy gone, there’s less work.

I find him cleaning out the goat stalls. He gives me a cautious look, like I’m a ticking bomb. I’m the worst girlfriend.

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