Page 86 of Snowballed

Noah is way ahead of me. He’s such a principled person and I should admire him, but for some reason all I feel is that weird jealousy. It’s like Noah’s always going to be superior to me. We used to have family issues in common, but now everything’s perfect for him. It’s a stupid reaction because he’s so sweet and generous. He wants to share his good fortune with people he cares about. But I can’t shake these ugly feelings about not being enough and his easy generosity only heightens that.

“I was even thinking about getting a place of my own. Someplace we could go and spend time alone.”

“You mean, you wouldn’t live here anymore?” My voice is choked, and I feel dizzy.

“Of course not. I’d never leave you with all the work. But maybe we could stay there overnight sometimes. I mean, if there’s no milking, we could get back here by 8:00. Or maybe your mom would let the animals out.”

“She would never.” The farm work is our battleground. Of course, she could do more, but she doesn’t because it’s my responsibility. I realize that her recent offers to help more are because she can see the end of the farm. To her new future with stupid Carl.

Noah keeps talking, but all I can focus on is that he wants to leave. The idea fills me with panic. I need Noah, I depend on him, and I’m losing him. I feel like I’m in free fall. My breathing is shallow, like there’s not enough oxygen here.

“Please don’t go,” I plead. My voice sounds distant and desperate.

Noah is quieted by how crazy I’m acting. “Don’t worry, I won’t go if you don’t want. But remember that night at Rocky’s place? You’re the one who wanted more privacy, more evenings like that. Now that I have the money—”

I grab his hand, holding on so tightly he winces. “How much money do you have?”

He’s instantly wary. “Why do you want to know?”

“My mother is forcing us to sell the farm because it’s losing money. Could you help?”

“Help? How?”

I haven’t thought this through, but money has always been the missing ingredient. “Maybe cover some costs in the short term? Help me invest in some equipment that could make the farm profitable? Or could you buy the farm from my mother?”

The beauty of this idea hits me. That would solve everything. My mother could move out, and I could finally make the farm turn a profit, just like my father always planned.

Noah chuckles and then looks at my face. “Wait. Are you serious?”

“Of course I’m serious. Think how great it could be, you and me living here. You love it here—the food, the animals, the people. Maybe you could get a job coaching at Moo U. Or a teaching job, you’re such a good teacher.”

Noah lets go of my hand. He leans away from me, like he’s already distancing himself. “Zoe, stop. First of all, I don’t have enough money to buy real estate, so forget that. And owning a farm in Vermont may be your dream, but it’s not mine.”

“What is your dream?” I challenge him. He’s never talked about the future except in vague terms.

“I don’t know yet. For so long, all I did was what my father told me to do. This is the first time I’ve had a chance to explore my own ideas.”

“And I don’t fit into those dreams?” As the words come out, I’m reminded of the first day I met Noah—how I could tell that my words were repulsing him and yet I couldn’t shut up. He recoils more, retreating into his turtle shell. Noah hates being pushed or rushed, yet I keep doing it. Because he’s my lifeboat, and I’m going to drown without him.

“To be honest, I haven’t thought about our future. But when I do, I won’t announce a whole life plan like you just did. We would discuss things.” He frowns. “Don’t you see? I’ve just escaped one set of expectations. I don’t like you slotting me into a new set.”

Not even Noah is on my side. He doesn’t really care about me, and he’s going to leave me too—I can tell. I feel so alone… and angry.

“Fine. Just go then. I don’t need you. Go get your apartment in Burlington and enjoy your independent life.” I watch Noah’s face to see how he reacts to my words. He looks mystified which only makes me angrier.

I push at his chest. “Leave. I don’t need you.”

Noah tries to put his arms around me, but I shove him away.

“What is going on here? Are you breaking up with me because I won’t buy your farm—which I can’t even afford to do?” he asks.

Hot tears are coming to my eyes, but I blink them back and step away from him. “No. I’m breaking up with you because you won’t support my dreams.”

He frowns like he’s trying to understand. “Tell me one thing: why is this farm so important to you? Because it’s apparently more important than every relationship in your life.”

How can he judge me like this? He thinks he can sum up my whole life with his superior insights. Right now I’m so confused that I don’t even know who is right and who is wrong. All I can feel is that horrible sensation of being alone. It’s a familiar island where I’m stranded while everyone I love floats further and further away. I’ve locked this awful void away for so long, and now its yawning jaws are opening again. But I won’t fall again.

I manage to squeeze out the words to explain, “The farm is all I have left from my father.”

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