Page 2 of Hockey 101

Too late, I say as I arrive on the scene.

Oh, Andy. I’m so sorry about this. Jenny looks relieved to see me.

I plant myself right in front of her beefy boyfriend. He scowls down at me, but his level of anger cannot compare to mine, someone abruptly awakened in the middle of the night to handle all this. I stare right into his bloodshot eyes.

Toby, here’s your choice. You can either leave by yourself, or I can call security and have you escorted out. I brandish my phone at him like it’s the hotline to a highly trained SWAT team instead of a tiny security guard named Ferdinand who works two jobs and is probably asleep right now. Ah, sleep.

Toby pokes me in the collarbone with an unsteady fingertip. Ouch.

Who the fuck put you in charge? he demands, then mutters something that sounds alarmingly like bossy bitch.

Oh, it’s on, Donkey Brain. I push the heel of my hand against his chest and shove him back. He sways and steps back.

The second floor of Humphrey Hall is my turf, buddy. You’re not a resident and you need to go. Now.

Sssorry, he slurs. I didn’t mean to… The rest of his apology gets lost in the empty recesses of his brain. But I’m not gonna go until I find him. The asshole that she was cheating with.

I motion down the hallway. There’s no one here. Go home and sleep this off. I’m sure things will make more sense in the morning.

He blinks his bloodshot eyes. I wanna sleep in Jenny’s room.

Someone pokes his head out of his door and suggests that we all shut the fuck up so people can sleep. Amen, brother.

I turn to Jenny. Do you want him to leave?

Surprisingly, she shakes her head. I’m certainly no expert at juggling multiple men, but it feels like welcoming your boyfriend into a room where you were just having sex with someone else is not the best idea. Especially when the other man’s clothes are still in there. And wouldn’t there be a lingering sex smell?

Yet, she takes Toby by the arm and drags him towards her open door. I follow and warn, If there are any more disturbances, I will have to throw him out. Yeah, right—me and what army?

Jenny flashes me an angelic smile, unaware that the proof she’s no saint is locked inside my room. Or maybe she’s used to men fighting over her.

Toby will be good. Won’t you, babe? she coos. They disappear behind her door, and I hear the lock click.

I sigh. It’s only September and I already hate my life. Now to get rid of Big Ass Boy and go back to bed. My adrenaline rush is over and I can barely keep my eyes open. Okay, one a-hole down, and one to go.

I fling open my door. Completely relaxed, my former dream man is lying on my bed reading. No longer naked, he’s now wearing a hoodie that belonged to my ex, and…

Oh my god! I look closer at the skintight black fabric stretched across his massive thighs. Are those my leggings?

He sits up and at least has the decency to look embarrassed. Yeah. Sorry, but they were the only things that fit. Even your sweatpants are way too small. You’re pretty short. But I had to wear something.

Unbelievable. I’m both relieved that he’s not naked and disappointed to miss seeing that cut physique one more time. A girl deserves some reward for slaying drunken dragons.

He swings his feet over the side of the bed and slips on his shoes. Don’t worry, I’ll wash your clothes and bring them back.

Don’t bother. Unless you raided my underwear drawer for an extra-stretchy thong, you’re commando underneath those leggings, so feel free to burn them. I’ll never wear anything that has been in direct contact with your sweaty balls. And I’ve been trying to return that hoodie for ages, so its disappearance would be a relief.

Big Ass Boy ignores the aspersions cast on his anatomy and glances towards the door. How did it go out there?

Fine. It’s safe, so you can go now. And I can crawl back into bed. I look longingly at my duvet, which now has a massive body dent in it. At least he didn’t rest his perspiring privates directly on my clean linens.

Really? What happened? he asks.

Oh, by all means, let’s chat. I let out an exasperated sigh. Well, let’s see. The two of them were arguing in the hall but by now they’ve kissed and made up in her room. More like screwed and made up.

He nods and waits expectantly, like he needs to hear all the details.

The woman you were banging is Jenny, by the way, since you don’t seem to be into learning the names of your hookups. And her boyfriend is large, drunk, and angry. I look this guy over once more. The fabric of the oversized sweatshirt is straining across his muscular chest, and the leggings look like they’re painted onto his tree-trunk thighs. Although, I think you could have taken him.

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