Page 40 of Hockey 101

Love? Let’s not get carried away. Realistically, this is not going to last, I say.

Dawn and Emily look at me in confusion.

Why would you say that? Emily asks.

Do I have to keep explaining all the ways that Jack and I are different? We’re from two different worlds. Jack is this ice gladiator, while I’m into cozy reading.

I bite at the cuticle of my little finger, then look up at them. Do you guys think I could really be the girlfriend of a hockey player? I…I don’t exactly fit the stereotype.

Emily stares at me as if I’ve sprouted an extra head. Dawn pins me with a stare. Okay, Andy. What is a hockey girlfriend like?

Beautiful, statuesque, blonde. I can see her in my head, that idealized girl who was the epitome of popularity in my high school.

Oh my god. Is it finally our turn to boost Andy’s ego? After everything she’s done for me over the years, I am so ready for this. Emily claps her hands together. Okay, Andy? Get this through your brainy little head: you’re gorgeous. Your skin looks like that glass skin in K-beauty videos. And your hair is so thick and dark. I would kill for hair like that, instead of my nothing hair. Emily lifts a tendril of the long, wavy hair that is being unfairly disparaged.

Are we doing personality stuff or just looks? asks Dawn. She never needs ego-boosting, and normally I don’t either.

Just looks. We don’t have all night. I loved Emily before, but I love her even more now. I squeeze her knee.

Okay then, her boobs. Andy has amazing boobs. They’re like those gravity-defying boobs drawn by virgin manga artists, says Dawn.

Andy does have great boobs, agrees Joy in passing. Dawn shoots me an expression that says See?

I’ve heard the boob compliments before, but I just don’t get it. My boobs aren’t huge, they’re just very round. It seems an odd thing for people to notice.

Okay, okay. This is all lovely and you’re the best friends ever, but it’s more about types, right? I know I’m attractive but there’s a certain…standard for American beauty, and I’m not it.

Oh, so this is a race thing? That’s just bullshit, Dawn says firmly. If you look at media today, you’ll see that there are all kinds of beauty: Asian, Black, non-binary, curvy, androgynous. I could go on and on. Anyway, why do you get to decide who Jack should like? All that matters is that he likes you.

She’s right, but it’s hard to forget things that were drilled into me as a teenager. All my life, I knew I was different. Different from my friends, different from everyone in my town, even different from my own family—being adopted meant that I didn’t look like any of them. And yes, I experienced rejection that made me decide to stay in my lane. I’m not sure why my feelings about Jack are triggering these insecurities. Is it because hockey players are such a big deal at Monarch?

Besides, Jack thinks you're hot. He’s the one pursuing you. You say he could have his pick of women, but it seems to me like there’s only one he wants, says Emily.

You know, I’ve actually seen you do this avoidance thing before, says Dawn. The truth is, you tend to date safe men.

Dawn is about to go off on one of her theories. I put up my meager defence. I don’t know how you can generalize, since Bryce is the only boyfriend you’ve even met.

Her eyes gleam; there’s nothing Dawn loves more than being right. Because I’ve seen the men you didn’t date. Remember that History TA? Or the cute guy at the fraternity party in freshman year? How about the Swedish exchange student?

Not all those guys asked me out, I protest.

Yes, but they were all interested. I could tell, just like when I met Jack. If you don’t give guys at least a little encouragement they’re not going to pursue things, Dawn insists.

I haven’t encouraged Jack. In fact, I’ve actively discouraged him, unless you count accepting his offers for hockey education.

Dawn shakes her head. So, start now. Dating someone like him would be good for you. Way better than Bryce.

I protest, but my heart’s not in it. I know Bryce is being a jerk now, but he was a supportive boyfriend while we were dating.

Dawn’s evil smile means something big is coming. Bryce is a judgemental asshole. He’s critical and opinionated. He made you believe you should feel lucky to be in his tiny circle of approval, which also forced you to stay there.

Wow. Tell me how you really feel, I grumble.

She drapes a comforting arm around me, and Emily pats my other shoulder.

Dawn softens her tone. I’m sorry to unload all this on you. I kept my mouth shut while you guys were dating. But I’ve always thought you could do way better.

But that’s what made our breakup even more jarring. I thought things were safe between us. What was wrong with me if even a judgemental asshole thought he could do better?

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