Page 77 of Hockey 101

How do you know what I’m going to say?

I can just tell. There’s all this emotion in your voice, she replies flatly.

Seriously? What happened to our honesty policy? And after sex like that—so raw and open—it feels natural to be open with our emotions too. She’s willing to give me all of her body, but nothing else? That’s harsh.

I stroke her hair and then lift her chin. What’s wrong with telling you how I feel? We’re so good together.

She lets out a huff of frustration. Yes, things are good, but you always want to define everything. And you’re the one who’s supposed to be easy-going, while I’m the list-maker.

Andy, we’re not one thing or another. I know you’re not into sharing your feelings, but does that mean I can’t either? I want to share how much I feel for you. Maybe you’ll enjoy it too.

I’m fine. Her muscles are tense and her lower lip is pushed out.

I’m not going to remind her that she had an uncomfortable chat with her mother and then got even more upset talking about her family’s hurtful behaviour. All I want to do is help her see that she’s not alone—that I’m here to support her.

Andy flips around again to turn her back to me and shuffles to the edge of the bed—and it’s not that big a bed. When I try to gently roll her back, she stiffens and shakes me off.

I can’t believe that we’re arguing about how good things are, I say.

It’s just too soon.

Am I truly the only one who feels all this emotion between us? There’s no way. Our personalities mesh so well. Andy supports me and makes me feel confident that I’m doing the right thing. I help her relax when she gets stressed. And our attraction is off the charts. But most of all, things keep getting better between us. How high could we climb?

How do you see things going between us? Like once you graduate? I ask.

Andy rolls onto her back and drapes her arm over her face. Do we have to do this now?

I watch and wait. Maybe she doesn’t like talking about feelings, but she has to at some point.

Finally, she answers. It depends where I end up, I guess. If I go somewhere like Los Angeles, it’s hard to see how we could stay together.

Her words hurt because that’s the last thing I want. Andy is amazing, and I’m all in. But she worries a lot about the future. I pull her arm from her face and hold onto her hand.

This connection we have—how we understand each other—I know that it’s rare and special, and I think you do too, I say.

I know, but… her voice trails off.

You can’t have it both ways, Andy. If we’re only going to last until the spring, why can’t we enjoy every moment to the fullest? Why can’t I tell you how much I like being with you?

She scrunches her eyes closed, like a little kid pretending that if she can’t see me, I can’t see her. Her next words sound like they’re being forced out of her.

Because it’s scary.

Why?

Caring too much leaves me open to getting hurt again, she states softly.

Andy, we went through the same kind of betrayal, but I’m ready. Ready for us, I urge. There’s so much trapped below her controlled surface.

I’m so sorry. I think I just need more time, Andy says.

I wonder how long it will take her to trust again. And to stop punishing me for what her stupid ex did.

20

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

ANDY

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