Page 83 of Hockey 101

When Andy opens the door, her face is pale and her clothes are rumpled. She looks tired.

Hey, you. She wraps her arms around me, and I kiss the top of her head. Hugging her feels so good that, for a moment, I wonder if the conversation we’re going to have is a mistake.

How are you today? I ask.

Better. Her brave smile makes my heart ache. She’s not better.

Thanks so much for last night, she says.

For what? It feels like I did fuck-all for her.

For tucking me in and being so sweet.

She leans into me, and once again I feel hollow at the idea of not having Andy in my life. But I have to do the right thing. I take her hand in mine.

I’ve been thinking about the sports editorship and how important it is to you, I begin.

She shakes her head. We really don’t have to rehash this again. It’s pointless.

Is it, though? What if… I hesitate, unable to get the words out.

What if what? she asks.

Andy, I was wondering…do you think we should break up?

Her eyes widen, but everything else about her freezes. Suddenly, she pushes away from me and sits on the bed. Then she bends over, with her head between her knees. I can hear her taking deep, gulping breaths.

Andy, what’s wrong? I sit beside her and rub her back.

She stays silent, like she can’t even hear me. I can’t see her face and all I can hear is her choking breaths.

Are you okay?

She still doesn’t respond, but her breathing is starting to slow. I put an arm around her. Are you sick or something?

Andy raises her head and focuses on me. You want to break up? she asks in a tiny voice.

No, of course not! But look how hard you’ve worked towards a job in journalism. And Bryce said that if we break up by tonight, you can be the sports editor again.

You talked to Bryce? she asks in a soft tone.

Yeah, Mats and I went to the newspaper office last night. I tried to convince him to let you stay on. I stop, since she doesn’t seem to be listening.

She wraps her arms around herself.

Andy, please. Talk to me.

Now her eyes meet mine. Jack. Do you realize what you did? Things have been so good between us, and…then you suggested breaking up, out of nowhere. Something we’ve both experienced and never wanted to go through again.

Oh shit, I didn’t even— I was so wrapped up in trying to help her that I didn’t think things through. I’m a fucking idiot.

I pull her into my lap and hold her. I try to rock her, but there’s a big difference from last night. She’s stiff and doesn’t melt into my touch. I’m not comforting her—because this time I’m the one who hurt her.

Still, I hold her close and tell her over and over how sorry I am. She remains tense and silent. Obviously, I have to explain myself.

Andy, please. This isn’t the same thing at all. I don’t want to break up with you. Like, ever. I pause, because that’s the closest I’ve come to telling Andy how I feel. Then I push on, because she needs to understand. But you don’t see us as forever—you think we’ll break up once you graduate. I, uh…I didn’t want to mess up your whole life so I could be happy for a few months.

A few more months with Andy would be a treasure, even if I knew we’d split at the end. But I’d give up that precious time for her.

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