Page 55 of An American in London

The Fairfield? I’m not sure what that is, but I try not to stare at either Ben or the duke. This has to be good news for Ben, right? Maybe the duchess has convinced her husband to sell the hotels. Surely, this is progress?

“Absolutely. I’ll call your office and get something set up.”

“Very good,” the duke replies.

“When I’m in town, we should have tea at The Fairfield,” the duchess says to Elizabeth and me. “Then we can pop to Fortnum’s for some shopping. I’m sure Ben and Nick are all work, just like my husband. I’d be happy to show you some of my favorite places, Tuesday.”

“Absolutely.” Taking tea with the duchess, followed by shopping, sounds like what daydreams are made of. At first, I couldn’t think of anything worse than pretending to be someone’s fiancée. Now, I don’t want to think about calling things off between us. I like the sound of our life together, where I dine with duchesses, spend Christmas in London, and hang out with Ben every day. I also like the idea of sinking into Ben’s touch every evening, his lips on mine every morning and in between. We’ve been here less than forty-eight hours, and I want to stretch it out for as long as possible.

But in just a few hours, we’re going to get in the car and return to real life. Everything about this weekend is going to evaporate.

The feelings of loss and sadness are even more profound than when Jed and I split. I’m unsure how that’s possible. Maybe it’s the realization that real life—the one where I’m fighting for my job and still in theshadows of my breakup—isn’t the life I want anymore. I want to be a woman who waltzes around rose gardens and who Ben thinks is lovely. I want the fairy tale.

But fairy tales are fiction—lies we tell children to make them feel better about the harsh, real world. Given my reality, maybe I’ve been trying to make myself feel better by letting myself believe this weekend was real. Only now, I’m left with the unfortunate necessity to close this storybook once and for all—and it’s not going to end with Happily Ever After.

Chapter Nineteen

As we pull away from Fairfield House, it’s like my edges blur, and I feel less like myself than when I was pretending to be Ben’s fiancée. All I can think of is how sad I am to be leaving. Maybe it’s the anticlimax, now that the adrenaline is seeping away. Or maybe it’s more than that. Maybe this weekend has shown me who I want to be.

“So I guess that’s it,” I say as we turn out the large gates that felt so imposing when we arrived. I’d been so nervous, but I needn’t have been.

“Tell me about your life in New York,” Ben says as if he hasn’t heard me.

“We’ve just told a web of lies and semi-committed to getting married at Fairfield House, and you want to chitchat about my life in New York?”And we made out!I don’t add. Part of our charade turned into something real. Didn’t it?

“Are you over your ex?” he asks.

“What?” Not only are Ben and I not on the same page in this conversation, I don’t even think we’re in the same book.

“Your fiancé. Do you think you’ll get back together?” Ben stares straight ahead, seemingly focused on the road.

“No, we’re not getting back together. He moved to Iowa with a ballerina from SoHo. I told you that.”

“Would you want to get back together if he left the ballerina?”

“What? I haven’t even ...” Jed is many things, but he isn’t a flip-flopper. When he said we were over, I knew he wouldn’t change his mind. It hadn’t been an overnight decision for him. “He won’t.”

Ben lets out an exasperated breath.

It hadn’t even occurred to me to think about what would happen if Jed came back, begging for my forgiveness, because it would never happen. “Life doesn’t move backward,” I say. “We were together a decade. I thought I knew what he was thinking before he did. I was wrong about so much. But I know one thing: Jed won’t come back. He’s made his decision.”

Silence twists between us. What’s Ben thinking? Does he want to kiss me again? Because I really want to kiss him.

“Are you deliberately not answering my question?” he asks.

I fold my arms in front of me. Now I’m the one who’s exasperated. I’ve answered Ben’s question. I have nothing to hide.

“You told me whathewould or wouldn’t do,” he says. “Not whatyouwould do if he came back. I can’t tell if this is just you being you, prioritizing everyone else’s needs and desires over your own, or if there’s a part of you that genuinely wants him back.”

I uncross my arms and stare out the window. Ben’s right. Since we broke up, I’ve only really considered Jed’s side of our relationship. But if reality were turned on its head and Jed came crawling back to me, what wouldIdo?

“No,” I say, all my thoughts slotting into place. “I wouldn’t take him back. But not because he cheated and lied.” I laugh out loud because that should be enough of a reason not to take back a boyfriend. “I think I needed him when we met. I needed something or someone to take me away from the grief of losing my mom. Jed helped me hide from that, from themebefore ...”

Being with Jed helped me carry on when I could barely breathe, I missed my mom so much. I couldn’t imagine a time when I wouldn’t be so heavy with sadness; I could only just move from my bed to the couch. Dad had insisted I still go off to college, and looking back, it wasthe best decision I could have made in the aftermath of Mom’s death. Then I met Jed and life just ... moved forward.

“And now?” Ben asks.

“Things are different now,” I say. I’m not sure how, exactly—they just are. Last time I was single, I’d been paralyzed by grief over my mother’s death. Now I still miss her, but every action or inaction isn’t driven by that grief. “I don’t need a lifeline to pull myself through an ocean of sadness, and in all honesty, I haven’t needed one for a long time. I think I hung on to Jed because part of me was afraid of what would happen if I let go. I don’t want to hide anymore. I don’t need to. I like the me I was when my mom was alive. Being in London ... It’s helped me reconnect with that part of myself, and I don’t want to lose that. I’m not the same woman I was when I was with Jed. And I don’t want to be.”

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