Page 56 of An American in London

Ben reaches for my hand and our fingers interlink. We travel in silence through the winding country roads. The colors of the trees remind me of home. Not New York City home, but Franklin, Madison County. The leaves on the trees are transforming from new and green to a rainbow of gold, red, rust, and orange. And they’re all the more beautiful for it.

“I’m very aware I paid you to be here with me this weekend,” Ben says out of nowhere. His tone suggests we’re in the middle of a conversation, and I wonder how long he’s been talking to himself in his head.

“Yeah, well, I can’t take your money.” It’s a gut reaction. I didn’t think before I spoke, but as soon as the words are out, I know they’re true.

“You can and you will,” Ben responds.

“You can’t force me to take thirty thousand dollars from you. I had one of the best weekends of my life. I met incredible people, stayed in an amazing house. I even had a behind-the-scenes view of one of my favorite films. And then ...”There’s been you,I don’t say. “There’s no way I can take your money.”

Ben swerves over to the side of the road, where there’s a clearing in the hedgerow and a gate to a field. He cuts the engine and, without explanation, gets out of the car.

He can’t be angry with me. Maybe he urgently needs to pee? Tentatively I open the door, poke my head out, and see him leaning against the trunk.

What is happening?

I climb out of the car and take in his body language—rigid, taut as a bowstring, and radiating energy like a nuclear reactor. “Are you ... mad?”

He won’t meet my eye. Instead he runs his fingers through his hair, staring at the road we’ve just come down. “I think I might be heading in that direction.”

“So ... just slightly irritated but it’s building?” I ask, more than a little confused.

“I mean I think I’m ...” He lowers his hands and turns to me. “I like you.”

His words hit me in the chest with near-physical force. I can’t help but lift the corners of my mouth into a smile. “And that makes you angry?”

His frown deepens. “Not that kind of mad. The kind of mad that has you wondering if you’ve lost your mind.”

Warmth floods into my chest. He’s conflicted. He’s discombobulated. He doesn’t know the next step, let alone the next ten. That must be deeply disorienting for a man like Ben.

I step toward him and hook my finger into the waist of his jeans, needing to touch him. I stare up at him, but he won’t meet my eyes. “You like me, and therefore, you think you might be losing your mind?” I’m smiling even though I know part of me should be offended. I’m not. I understand that unexpected feelings could catch a man like Ben off guard. I’m just pleased he’s having them. Because it’s entirely mutual.

He slides his hands around my waist. “I think ... It’s just ... I ... I ... I.” He finally meets my eye. “I’ve paid you to be here ...” He shakes his head.“It’s not just that. The money wouldn’t do it because you said no to that. But when my connection to your boss was made clear ...” He stops again like he’s trying to pull lots of threads together to make a tapestry of the inner workings of my brain. “Did you kiss me because you wanted to please me or because you wanted to please you?”

There’s a pressure in my forehead I’m not used to. Confusion or frustration—I can’t be sure which. “Please you?” I ask.

He searches my face for answers, but there’s nothing to find because I’m not quite sure what he means.

“I like clarity,” he says. “And you and me? We’re not clear.” I see all the conflict within him laid out like a bowl of spaghetti spilled onto the floor.

I smooth my hands up his arms, enjoying the firm, safe feel of him. “Let me tell you something for free: I don’t kiss men I don’t want to kiss. Not even if they have an ass as good as yours. I don’t tell men they’re wonderful when I don’t think they are. You didn’t take advantage of me. And anyway, I told you, I’m not taking your money. Even if I did, thirty thousand dollars wouldn’t make me kiss you. Three hundred million dollars wouldn’t do it either. I like you. That’s why I kissed you.”

“And I told you, you absolutely are taking the money. You earned every penny. The duke and duchess were entirely charmed by you, and the duke has asked me to The Fairfield. Even in my wildest dreams, I couldn’t have imagined making as much progress as I have over the last weekend.” His energy changes as he talks about the duke. It’s like he’s shifted into business brain. While I’m pleased he looks less concerned, I’m slightly disappointed we’ve moved on from talking about kissing.

“It helps that the duchess wants him to sell.”

“Yes, but now he sees me as a man he might want to sell to. A lot of that is down to you.”

“I’m glad things are working out,” I say. Ben is a wonderful man. He’s just not great atshowingeveryone how wonderful he is.

“Are we off the clock?” he asks.

“There’s a clock?”

He doesn’t respond, leaving me to guess what he’s really trying to ask.

I reach up to stroke my index finger over his cheekbone. “If I say yes, does it mean you’ll kiss me again?”

“Promise me something,” he says as his eyes close under my touch. I don’t respond and he opens his eyes to check I’ve heard him. “When you’re with me, don’t say yes to anything you don’t want.”

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