I don’t answer. Melanie always spills the tea about sex with her boyfriends, but I want to keep last night to myself for a while. Like if I tell her, I might use up some of my memories and feelings by talking about it.
“I need coffee,” I say.
“You mean you want to go to the coffee shop where you ran into Ben again. You want to swap your Daniel De Luca quest for a Benjamin Whatever-His-Name-Is quest. If Ben trumps Daniel De Luca, it’s all the evidence I need that you’re in love with him.”
“More evidence? You haven’t provided any so far other than he’s good looking. If that were the only criteria, I would be in love with Mario Lopez.”
“Ewww.” She looks at me like I’ve just thrown a cup of cat pee all over her.
“I said what I said and I don’t regret it.”
“That’s not the only evidence I have,” she says. “I hear it in your voice. In the way you talk about him, but also how much ... lighter you seem.”
I do feel lighter. Happier. I feel free.
I don’t know if it’s being free of Jed or of the life I had back in New York. Maybe it’s freedom from the grief I thought would come with thinking about my mom so much. Maybe it’s just because I’ve connected to the girl I was before my mom died—her joy and enthusiasm, her hope for the future.
“You must admit that Ben has helped you get over Jed.”
I shrug. “No more so than Daniel De Luca has. He’s provided a distraction.” I pause. “No, that’s not entirely true. Spending time with another man has provided a contrast I didn’t know I needed. Seeing the kind of man Ben is has made more obvious to me the fact that Jed and I weren’t meant to be together. I’ve spent a lot of the last ten years not noticing stuff I should have focused on. Glossing over incompatibilities I should have faced.”
It’s not until I listen to Melanie talking about Jed that I realize just how much of our relationship was about whathewanted. I didn’t want to live on the Upper East Side. I certainly didn’t want the rent there. But I never told him. I’d been happy to go along with it, because I wanted Jed to be happy, even at the cost of my own happiness.
Don’t say yes to anything you don’t want.
Ben’s words circle my brain like a breaking news ticker.
I think I said yes to a lot I didn’t want during my time with Jed.
“Everyone’s perfect when they’re as good looking as Ben and you haven’t known them long enough to know they always leave the toilet seat up or their orgasm face is a real turn-off.”
“You still haven’t had the conversation with David?”
She shakes her head. “I just focus on his shoulder for the last few minutes. We’ve been doing more doggy, which makes it easier.”
Apparently, I’m not the only one with a tendency to gloss over things in her relationship.
“I’m sure he’d switch it up if you just told him he looks like he’s sitting on the toilet when he climaxes.”
“You’re trying to distract me from my argument that you. Are. In. Love. With. Ben.”
“I promise I’m not. It’s just ... Do you think I say yes to things when I ... just because I want to keep the other person happy?”
For a second I think I’ve lost the connection because she doesn’t answer right away. After a few beats, she says, “I don’t know. Do you think that?”
I think about it. “I don’t want to move to Brooklyn.” I fist my hands, bracing myself for ... something.
“Brooklyn might be our only option,” she replies.
Ireallydon’t want to live in Brooklyn.
The doorman, dressed in a long black coat and top hat with a gold band around it, gets a message on his radio, and I freeze. Melanie goes silent.
“Copy that” is the only thing I hear carrying over the rain. A second later, a blacked-out sedan pulls up in front of the hotel. I try to peer in the window, but there’s absolutely nothing to see.
“You think this could be it?” Melanie asks.
My heart rate switches from a relaxed stroll to a trot. I crane my neck to try to see around the sculpted, twisty bushes that flank the entrance to the hotel. I’m only about five yards from the entrance, but because I’m on the same side of the street as the door, it’s impossible to see what’s going on inside the hotel.