Page 75 of An American in London

“You don’t need to,” he says.

If I went, maybe I could persuade her that Ben is a good man who’d do a great job running the hotels. She might influence the duke to sell to him anyway. “I can sing your praises and tell her how wonderful you are.” Because that would be the truth. “How you keep your word and do exactly what you say you’re going to do.”

He doesn’t look convinced, but there’s a chance. The only problem is, I’m not sure she’ll believe I’ve walked away from Ben. He’s the entire package. Good-looking and sexy, which are two entirely different things. Jed was good-looking, but I never found him sexy. Maybe it was because we’d been together for too long. Ben exudes a confidence, a self-assurance, that has nothing to do with how handsome he is. It just rings out to anyone who listens. He’s got a core of steel. He’s also kind and thoughtful and one hell of a dancer. No one would leave Ben if they didn’t have to.

“Tell me about your work at the bank,” he says out of nowhere. Does he not want to talk about this? Is he completely heartbroken about the hotels?

“What do you mean?”

He frowns and shakes his head. “Tell me how you started there, what you hope to achieve.”

“What?” But what I mean is,Why? We’ve spent countless hours together over the past few weeks, and this is the first time Ben has asked for specifics about my job. I assumed he was avoiding the topic becauseof how painfully boring it is, but maybe he’s looking for a quick exit from the subject of the hotels.

“I’m interested. How did you get the job in the first place?”

I sit back, trying to remember how it all began. It feels like forever ago. “I was an undergrad. I was thinking about teaching, or even going to law school. Then I went with Jed to the job and internship fair on campus. I think I just got caught up in it. He said if we both got good jobs right out of college, we could move to the city. I loved Sarah Lawrence, but it felt too much like home. I wanted to get away. New York City was new and so far removed from Madison County ... I thought maybe I’d forget about my mom. No, not my mom—just my grief, I guess. I wanted to put it behind me finally.”

The server takes our plates. Ben’s silence suggests he wants me to go on.

“I applied for a few internships, a couple of jobs, and the bank said yes.”

“They chose you.”

I shrug.

“But you could have said no if you wanted to teach,” he adds.

“It was a great opportunity,” I say. That’s what my guidance counselor at the time had said. “The entry-level salary was more than I’d have gotten teaching, even after years in the classroom. Jed got a great offer from a big law firm, and he was so excited we’d both be starting work and earning a good salary. It made sense.”

“Were you excited?” he asks.

I twirl the stem of my wineglass. “Is anyone excited about starting work? Why do you want to know all this stuff anyway?”

“You like to please people,” he says like it’s the explanation I’ve been looking for. Except that’s hardly a revelation to me. But does it make me so different?

“Everyone likes to please people.” It comes out a little more defensive than I intend. I like people I’m with to be happy. I’ve seen toomuch sadness. If I can help turn the dial up on their joy, why wouldn’t I do that?

“Maybe,” he replies. “To some extent. But doyouever decide what you want, or do you get bundled along with everyone else’s decisions?”

His question is harsh, but I know he’s not trying to hurt me.

“I said no to you the first time you asked me to be your fiancée.”

He nods. “You did.” He smiles, and it’s so warm and genuine, it confirms my instinct that this line of inquiry comes from a place of caring and kindness. “When a perfect stranger asked you to go away with him for a weekend, you said no.”

“Why do you care that I don’t have the job I thought I wanted out of college?”

He nods, considering his response. “It’s a good question. And I’m sorry, I’m not meaning to cause offense.”

I bite my cheek at his apology. It’s unexpected and it gives him a vulnerability that makes me ache.

“You’re a beautiful, clever, funny woman with a strange name, Tuesday.” His gaze meets mine. I feel like he wants me to say something, but I’m not sure what. “I just want you to be happy. I want you to choose something, someone, who’ll make you happy. I’ve ... enjoyed our time together.”

I swallow, finding it difficult to listen to him describe me, and even more difficult to hear about him describing someone else in my future who will make me happy.

“I’ve enjoyed our time together too,” I say, hoping I’ve found the right words.

He nods as if he’s disappointed, but I’m not quite sure why. My heart rate picks up, like I’m nearing the end of an exam and there’s no way I’m going to get to the final questions. I want to slow down tonight, take him back to my room. Make the next eight hours last a month. Draw out these final moments together.

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