Page 80 of An American in London

I listen carefully, not wanting to say anything in case I give something away I shouldn’t. Does she know Ben and I weren’t a real couple when we came to Fairfield House?

“Have you seen that one?” she asks.

It’s the only Daniel De Luca film I haven’t seen. It’s R-rated, and although I’d been desperate to watch it when it had been released, I wasn’t sitting in a movie theater with my mom, watching sex scenes. She’d obviously felt the same way, as she never suggested we go.

“Are you sure you can’t work it out?” the duchess asks. “Ben must be able to work remotely. Can’t you split your time between New York and London? I have a number of friends who’ve done that over the years.”

I smile despite my discomfort. She’s not going to make this easy for me.

“Ben and I ... There are too many obstacles to overcome.”

“Did you have a fight?” she asks. “Whatever it is ... Is it really a deal-breaker?”

“Yes. I ... We ... I think I rushed into a new relationship after the breakdown of my previous one.” Well, that’s true, at least. I need to be focused on me and my future, not pour all my attention into a new relationship.

“Just because something’s quick doesn’t mean it’s wrong. You two are soulmates, just like George and me.”

A shiver runs across my shoulders. Did she see something between us that made her feel that way?

“I don’t know.”

“What don’t you know?” she asks. “Don’t do something you’re going to regret. Mark my words. I nearly left the duke before we were married. I wasn’t sure I was ready for the scrutiny of being a duchess—all that expectation and whispering behind your back. There were a lot of women after George, and I wasn’t sure I was up for the fight. Wasn’t sure he was worth it. But he was. We’ve had such a happy life together. It’s not been without its obstacles, let me tell you. But don’t let go of things you know will make you happy, Tuesday. Promise me.”

I started my vision board on Monday afternoon, but the process proved more difficult than I remembered. I’ve fallen out of the habit of looking at my life and thinking about whatIwant.

After the initial rush of learning I had a place on the management fast track, I couldn’t muster much enthusiasm for my position at the bank. The job and Jed had been mixed up together; they seemed to come as a package deal. The job with the bank made sense when Jed and I were working toward a life together. But without that future, how does the bank fit intomyfuture? I don’t see how it can.

Was Ben right? Maybe I took the job at the bank because they asked me, plain and simple. Working there fit with Jed’s vision of our future, and I never found a reason to say no.

“I know Ben’s probably difficult, just like George is. They’re both so focused and driven it can be infuriating at times. I see that in Ben.But I also see the same attentiveness. The same devotion and care that made me say yes to George all those years ago.”

My heart begins to race at her mention of the worddevotion. It’s such an evocative word, and one I feel in my gut. The bath. The French House. The flowers.

“When you find a man who loves you like Ben loves you, think twice before you walk away.”

Emotion rises in me and I struggle to keep it down. I’m being ridiculous. Ben and I were never a serious thing. Undoubtedly we had sexual chemistry, but that’s not love. That’s not devotion. Is it?

“Ben is a good guy. I trust him. But we’re from opposite sides of the world.”

Our tea arrives, necessarily pausing our discussion while the waiter explains everything he’s just delivered—from crustless cucumber sandwiches to the dainty mini raspberry cakes decorated with shards of dark chocolate.

I’ve lost my appetite.

“If you two are in love, you can make it work. I truly believe when you meet the person you’re meant to be with, you can overcome any obstacles in the way.”

I take a bite of my sandwich and remember our conversation back at Fairfield House. The more time passes, the more I know Jed and I weren’t right together. I think he probably proposed because we’d been together so long it was awkward not to. If I had said yes for the right reasons, I’d still be running from sadness.

“Do you think you don’t trust how you’re feeling about Ben because of the previous relationship you mentioned?”

It’s like she’s reading my mind. “Yes. To an extent. I came out of my last relationship not through choice, but now that it’s over, it’s so clear it should have ended sooner. There’s definitely a part of me that worries I lost touch with how I was actually feeling. If he hadn’t ended it, I would have spent my life with a man I didn’t love.”

Why am I saying this to the duchess? It’s all true, but that’s not why I’m here. I should never have come. I should have told her I was flying back to New York and I’d see her next time I was in London. Which would be years from now, if ever.

I suck in a breath. The idea of leaving this city and not coming back is like a slice of darkness plunged into my gut. I love it here.

She nods knowingly. “Maybe you’re punishing yourself for that. For women like us, it can be difficult to believe it’s possible to fall in love with someone so quickly after ending another relationship. Or”—she hesitates, choosing her words carefully—“that it’s possible for someone like Ben to love you.”

My stomach goes into free fall. The idea of Ben being in love with me is ludicrous. But the idea ofmebeing in love withBenhits me like a baseball bat to the chest.

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