Page 89 of An American in London

Ben catches my hand and presses it to his lips. “I’m not sure I like that idea. Fake fiancée is our trope.”

“Don’t forget holiday romance.”

He pulls me close and presses his lips to mine. His tongue is searching and urgent, and I’m this close to pulling the buttons from his shirt and feeling his hot, tight skin against mine. I can feel his heat as heholds me against him, the rise and fall of his chest, theboom, boom, boomof his heartbeat echoing mine. It feels so warm and right, like this is exactly where I should be.

Without warning, he steps back and opens the passenger door.

I want to slam it shut and jump into his arms. But life isn’t a fairy tale. And this isn’t where my story ends.

I get into the car and wind down the window.

“What are we doing?” he asks as our eyes meet.

“Saying goodbye?” I suggest.

He looks away. I know I’ve said the wrong thing, but I don’t know how to put it right. What could I say that would make this moment okay?

London has been a balm to my broken heart. The perfect escape, the most exciting, vibrant, uplifting place to lick my wounds. Now I have to go back to real life. I have to figure out where my career goes from here, where I’m going to live and who I am when I’m not engaged to Jed. Ben has made me realize my life, and maybe my past, are just the previews; I’m about to start living the main feature.

He shakes his head but doesn’t say anything. I want to reach for him, but I know I can’t. If I do, I might never leave.

I swallow, trying to stop my throat constricting. It’s impossible I’m this upset. I can’t let myself cry over the end of a vacation romance when I barely shed tears over my fiancé dumping me after ten years. I want to suggest maybe I call Ben or he comes to visit and we can do this again, only in New York—not continuing things, just repeating them. But it’s just prolonging the agony. We’re not going to end up together, so we should skip to the end right now instead of drawing things out.

Then I can focus on my future.

“It’s been a blast,” I say, trying to keep my voice steady.

“Bye, Thursday.”

“Now promise me you won’t swap that billionaire status for stand-up comedy.”

We grin like we’re going to see each other next week, rather than walk away from each other for good. But that’s Ben: He makes me smile, no matter what.

Ben nods. “I still think you’re lovely.”

“I still think you’re wonderful.”

He turns and walks away. It’s like clouds have filled the sky, blocking out the warmth of the sun. I feel the chill right down to my bones.

Chapter Thirty-Two

I’m the second person at the gate. I wasn’t deliberately rushing through the terminal; I was just too busy thinking to go slow. About London. About the bank. About Ben. I didn’t get pulled in by the perfume and keepsakes in duty-free. I already have memories more valuable than anything I can buy, and my Ralph Lauren wardrobe is a souvenir in itself.

I take my boarding pass from my bag. LHR: JFK. Six letters, three thousand miles apart. I came to London scared to lose my job, and now I’m leaving, scared to keep it. Well, not scared, exactly, but I know it’s not the career I want going forward. I didn’t really choose my job at the bank. I didn’t really choose Jed. Or our apartment, or really anything in my life before coming to London.

I stuff my boarding pass into my pocket and pull up the picture of my partially completed vision board.

There are plenty of blank spaces on the picture—gaps to fill among the images of a beautiful apartment, people having fun, and orange-pink sunsets. There are also images of airplanes. This trip to London has fed my soul. I had no idea how undernourished I’d been until coming here, or how soul-affirming I’d find international travel. I want to see other places on the planet. Experience new things.

A picture of Daniel De Luca made it there, too, albeit smaller than it was on my last vision board. After all, if it hadn’t been for him, London wouldn’t have been quite the same.

And if I squint, it looks like Ben.

My heart falls through my chest.

And then I know.

I know the person I want standing next to me when I bring this vision for the future to life.

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