Page 64 of Blade

Does this mean she wants to be free of me, too?

Chapter 26

Luna – Three Days Later

I bite my bottom lip as I stare at myself in the mirror, feeling conflicted. I seem to always have this feeling at the moment. Honestly, it’s better than the feeling of no longer wanting to be alive.

Right?

I tilt my head and eye my facial features. For years, I boycotted looking in the mirror. I used to hate what I saw, always wanting to smash the thing but then I met a man who wanted a little bit of fun, giving me the confidence to find myself again. He helped me understand that I can love, that I am capable of it and now as I look in the mirror, I see no bags underneath my eyes. They no longer look traumatized and I’m not skin and bones. I actually have curves coming along.

I can already see my cheeks filling out. I’m starting to look healthy and it has only been a few days.

I’m still conflicted, though. Shouldn’t I be in a corner screaming and crying at the ghost of the man I killed?

I should be feeling sick. I should be having nightmares and struggling to eat. I thought after what I did, I’d feel, I don’t know, suicidal? I guess, but I don’t. I don’t feel guilty. I just feel at peace for the first time in years, and I don’t know how to cope with that.

I mean, I wasn’t exactly quick with killinghim,was I?

I was brutal, and yet I don’t seem to care. I’m safe. I made myself safe by killing the evil that destroyed my childhood, that destroyed my teenage years, and the love that I had for my family before they took his side and before my admissions in that basement, my future looked to be on the rise. My future that I didn’t think I would have. Leo wanted to see that my adulthood was going to be everything that I ever wanted and now, for the first time in years, I want to live and that is a scary thought.

I sigh and look down at my jeans and a check flannel shirt. Am I too casual for this?

I’m supposed to be going to my brother’s club today to discuss everything, something Leo encouraged after he brought it to my attention that Axe wants to have everything out along with his mama, who has been watching me at a little distance since I resurfaced from Leo’s room after killing Brock.

Is it weird that I still don’t feel anything other than peace after killing him so brutally?

Am I broken?

Is Leo going to leave me?

Wait, are we even together?

I shake my head, turn away from Leo’s bathroom mirror, and walk into his bedroom, my eyes going to the photo of me at thediner, grinning at him on his light gray bedside table that makes my heart race.

His words make me feel like we’re together, and some of his actions as well before my admission regarding Drew and my trauma. But after I killedhim, I don’t feel like it as much, and my heart cracks at the thought that he’s pulling away. I mean, he hasn’t let me out of his sight, meaning I’ve been staying at his home on club property while he has been staying on the couch, though I’m pretty sure his arm has been wrapped around me during the night, then when I wake in the mornings, I’m on my own, and the side I thought he was on was still made immaculately.

Maybe subconsciously, I want him there. I just don’t know how to ask him. He’s been distant the past few days, only speaking to me in passing and spending most of his time at the clubhouse, and I have to admit, it hurts more than I thought it would, and it’s making me think we aren’t together.

I knew he wasn’t happy about the whole Drew situation, and I knew I had some groveling to do. I know he’s pulling away from me, but we’re not a couple—or at least I don’t think we are or were, even though for the first time ever, I want to be.

He accused me of being a patch chaser, of being a whore. Dammit, he threatened to kill me, though at the time I would have welcomed it, but it is not the point.

He shouldn’t be mad at me about Drew, and yeah, okay, he never touched the clubwhore. He was just saying it to hurt me because I never told him who I actually was, but it’s not like I slept with the guy, is it?

I was doing what I had to do to survive, so I didn’t end up committed again because that crap was hard in itself.

I twitch my nose, hoping the stinging in my eyes stopped. I don’t want to cry. I’m done crying, and I also don’t want to worry Leo because despite him pulling away, he still shows concern.

Maybe I should call him Blade again to see his reaction?

I shake my head, walk over to the bedside table, and grab my phone. His mama has also been watching me, so I’m sure she’s been informing her son about what I’m getting up to. We haven’t spoken about her punch or her accusations. She’s more interested in bringing me food and then leaving after making sure I don’t need anything else.

We need to speak, and hopefully, soon, we will. Well, that is if Leo doesn’t kick me out beforehand, which is the only way I’ll leave because I have a feeling there is more to her reaction to me than she's letting on.

He’s become my safe place, my home, and the only way I’ll walk away is if he physically tells me to go, and even then, it’ll be a fight.

I’ve never been in love before, but I know what I feel for him is something I want to hold on to.

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