Page 155 of Penance

Untouched by Draco’s cruelty.

Draco.

Even thinking of him now is like a knife twisting in my chest.

I don’t want anything to do with him.

I never wanna see him again.

Yet at the same time, for a reason I can’t explain, I’m desperate for him at the same time. He has made me feel safe in a way no one else ever has, and now I feel anything but safe.

I need him.

I need his arms around me to keep out the cold, but that doesn’t make any sense.

How can I need him to keep away the pain when the pain is all his fault?

I weave between the people on the sidewalk, shoulder clipping a man in a pressed suit. I hear him call me a bitch, but I don’t hear what else he says. I don’t apologize. I can’t even think the words, let alone say them.

A family with small children scrambles to get out of my way, parents pulling their kids out of my path as if maybe whatever is wrong with me is contagious.

Maybe it is.

I don’t know.

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

Not to me.

I’ve done everything right.

I’ve recited every prayer, every confession.

I was good.

I was a good girl.

Why do I deserve this?

Pastor Wilson’s face flashes in my memory, the way his expression changed when he looked at me. The way his eyes narrowed and his mouth turned down in a disgusted frown.

Judgment.

He was judging me.

He didn’t believe me.

None of them did.

They only believed Draco.

A delivery truck honks as I dash across the street without looking, and I feel the rush of air as it passes too close behind me.

I don’t stop.

I can’t stop.

If I stop, I’ll have to think about what happened, and if I think too hard I’ll have to accept it.

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