Page 159 of Penance

Cracked.

Falling apart.

I’ve lived here for two years now, ever since I decided that twenty-three was too old to still be living with my parents. Draco has lived here almost as long as I have.

Did he move here before I did?

Or after?

I can’t remember now.

How long had he been watching me?

Why would he go to the trouble?

I need to know.

I step across the asphalt, and I can see Draco’s car.

How long have I been in the woods?

I look up at the sky. The sun is high overhead.

It’s been a couple of hours, at least.

Did he look for me?

Does he care?

I hurry down the sidewalk and pull the door open, stepping into the lobby. It’s warmer in here. I don’t realize until I step through the doors that I am so, so cold.

I could go home.

I glance at my apartment door as I step past it.

I could go there. I could unlock my door, step into my neat little apartment with its cross hanging over the sofa and its bookshelf full of the books my mom gave me. Could wash away the forest from my skin, change into clean clothes, pretend that today never happened.

I could pretend it never happened, take the money I’ve saved and get as far away from Draco as I could manage.

But I’d still feel it inside me—this otherness, this thing that screams for his touch.

But no.

I can’t.

I love him.

I hate myself for it, but something inside me calls for him like a siren song.

I need him.

It scares me, but I can’t deny it anymore.

I just need to know why.

I turn away from my own door and face the stairwell instead. The handrail is cool beneath my palm, sticky in places from who-knows-what. I try not to think about it as I climb up to the second floor.

What am I doing?

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