Page 7 of Penance

Options?

Likemurder.

If there’s really a baby in me, she wants me to kill it. She wants me to—

What about Mary? Would they have tried to abort Jesus?

“Mercy?” she says, and I can hear concern in her voice. Dr. Thompson’s hand rests lightly on my shoulder, but the room still spins. I want to jerk away, but I don’t have the energy. “Mercy, we should run some more tests. I suggest an ultrasound. Okay? And if you’re open to it, I can refer you to a counselor, someone who specializes in situations like yours.”

“Tests,” I repeat, nodding.

I feel numb.

There are no thoughts in my head, but it’s not quiet. It feels like static.

“Sometimes there are explanations to cases like this,” she says.

“Okay.”

I don’t know what else to do, so I just nod.

Dr. Thompson sighs, her blue eyes creasing at the edges as she smiles.

“But just in case,” she says, pulling out a pen and her prescription pad. “I’m gonna send you home with some prenatal vitamins and some anti-nausea medication until we can get some answers. Just run this across the street on your way home.”

She gives me a warm smile as she scribbles on the sheet, rips it off and hands it to me.

I nod, legs heavy and shaking as I stand, muttering thanks as I shuffle past her, stepping into the corridor. The click of the office door closing behind me feels final, like the period at the end of a sentence.

Pregnant.

I’m pregnant?

The clinic is quiet, as I drop my head and shuffle towards the door. My feet carry me forward automatically, while my mind runs in frantic circles like a caged bird, screaming and begging to be released.

Except there is no escape for me.

I’m trapped here, in my own head.

Outside, the wind is cold. The air bears down on me, heavy with the scent of coming rain. As soon as I step into the world, I can feel it on me like the air itself is clinging to my skin.

“Lord,” I whisper, looking up at the sky. Heaven looks heavy, weighing down on me like so much responsibility that I didn’t ask for. “Is this a test?”

No answer.

It’s just the muffled rumble of the city, cars rattling by on the road not twenty feet away.

“Guide me,” I beg, feeling the tears misting my eyes. “I need your guidance, Lord.”

I suck in a shaking breath and bite back a sob.

“I don’t know what to do.”

I stand there for a minute, waiting.

There’s nothing. No answer. Not even anything inside my head.

Sighing, I wrap my jacket just a little tighter around me as I move to the sidewalk, and then, when it’s clear, I cross the street and move towards the pharmacy. I feel like the eyes in the waiting cars are staring me down. I feel like they know, even if I know that there’s no way they could.

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