Page 27 of Balance

Ipark the rental car at the nursing home and feel the tears well up in my eyes once more. It feels like it’s been years since I’ve been in San Francisco. The temperatures have started to drop, it’s gloomy, and the salty scent of the ocean air makes me want to both sneeze and wrap it around me a million times.

I grab my purse and step out of the car, staring at the glass doors with a brick in my throat. I step inside and the scent of bleach and lemons assaults me as I step up to the desk and glance around.

It’s… nice. Clean. White and sterile.

“How can I help you?” A woman behind me asks before she slips behind the desk smiling at me.

“Is Marissa around?”

She chuckles and holds out her hand, “You must be Lillian. Come with me.” She jumps up and saunters down the back hall and uses her badge to open up the heavy door. “I won’t sign you in, but here’s a sticker just in case.” She pulls a red sticker fromher pocket and slaps it on my chest. “She’s in room one-fifteen. She’s been on hospice for a couple of weeks. Barely eats or drinks now. I… I’m glad you could make it.” She pats my back and leaves me alone at the door.

She disappears and I close my eyes.

I hold my breath as I step through and Betty’s perfume brings tears to my eyes. Lilacs and vanilla. I glance over to the hospital bed to find Betty awake, turned over on her side and staring at the TV on the opposite wall. Gosh, she looks so much older and skinnier than I remember her being. Her white hair is thinner, braided on both sides of her head, barely reaching her thin shoulders.

Her blue eyes look so dull and vacant.

I press my lips together as I sit in the chair beside her bed and slowly wrap my hand around hers. She doesn’t even acknowledge me in the room.

I take a deep breath and clear my throat. “I’m not sure if you can hear me… Or know who I am. My name is Lillian and you were my foster mother. You and your late husband Francis saved me. You believed in me, loved me, and brought me into your home. I love you so much and I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to see you before now. You must have been so alone.”

Her eyes slowly close and I feel her hand squeeze mine before I just sit and watch her chest move. The tears stream down my face and I sob quietly, reminiscing out loud all of the memories we shared for the few years I had her in my life.

If it wasn’t for her, I probably would have bounced around from foster home to foster home. Never being grounded or in a happy, safe environment. I would never know what it’s like for a parent to love unconditionally and believe in me.

I probably never would have gone to college, I also would have never gone to Minnesota.

Eventually Marissa slips in and sends me a sad smile. She takes Betty’s vitals and shakes her head. “It’ll probably only be a couple more days that she holds on for. How long will you be in town?”

I close my eyes and try to breathe. “I fly out Monday morning.”

She nods. “I’m glad I got in touch with you. Go get some rest and come back in the morning. I’m working until next Tuesday before I get my two days off.” She leads me to the doors and walks out with me. “I’m not sure what’s going on with Betty’s family, but it’s well-known around the home… even the director feels awful for her. It’s not on us to really ask why they put blocks on people, but the way Betty brought up your name over the years. I just knew it was something sinister.”

I press my hands to my car and lean forward as I cry out and shake my head. I can’t stop. It feels like I’m having a heart attack. “She… She remembered me?”

Marissa rubs my back and sighs out loud. “Lillian… you were all she talked about during her lucid moments. She knew what her kids were doing. She was too terrified to call you or send you any letters in case something was intercepted. At first we just thought it was stories in her mind, not remembering the past correctly. But as time went on and none of her kids visited, how when we pulled up her chart and visitation logs and saw you were blocked from calling or visiting… We slowly figured it out. But our hands were tied. I can get fired, sued for all of this.”

I nod and try to pull myself together. “I won’t say a word. I promise. Thank you so, so much for giving me this chance to see her.”

She pulls me into a hug and I get into my car and drive to the hotel that I booked a few days ago. It’s within walking distance just in case anything happens.

I check in and stumble to my room, dropping my bag beside the door before collapsing onto the bed. I can’t eat, I can’t drink.

I lay staring at the ceiling until I wake up to my phone ringing.

Well, damn, my eyes were closed. I’m not sure if I was sleeping though.

“Hello?”

Morgan sighs. “Why didn’t you call when you landed? I’ve been worried sick.”

I blink at the ceiling and my gritty eyes scream at me. My nose is clogged and my throat hurts from crying so much. “I’m so sorry… I just had a one-track mind and then when I saw her, Morgan.” The tears flow down my face again and I gasp for breath. “Marissa told me that she remembered me before she went on hospice, now she’s barely responsive. Her eyes were open as I talked to her… but just… nothing.”

“I’m so sorry, Lillian. I wish you weren’t alone right now. The girls were asking about you, would you like to talk to them?”

I nod and sit up, clearing my throat. “Yes. Thank you.”

I hear Avery and Nessa in the background before he hands it off. I stay on the phone with the girls for a while, telling them that I’m here to see my mom and that I’ll be home in a few days. I hang up before Morgan can talk to me again. I don’t want to talk anymore right now. I need to try to eat, get some liquids into me, then actually sleep. Hopefully this place has room service.

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