Page 47 of Balance

“I want to be here, I want to be present for my kids. I want to watch them grow. I don’t want to be traveling six months of the year anymore, plus I’m getting old. I’m the oldest fucker on the team. It’s just time… But I also wanted to talk to you about all of this… You’re so young, Lillian. You deserve a man that is ready for everything you are without all of the baggage. Marriage and having your own kids. Teaching again.”

She tenses and shakes her head, sitting up and crossing her arms over her naked chest.

Covering herself, hiding from me.

I frown.

“That’s a lot to unpack, Morgan… First of all, I wouldn’t worry about Brittany. Let Andy do his thing and don’t try to cross that bridge until it’s time. You’re divorced, they’ve accepted the restraining order and custody agreements, I don’t know why you have to keep fighting against a brick wall. Deal with it when, if, she comes back.

“Two… Are you nervous about retiring? Do you think you’re really ready to? Will you be bored? Are you going to… fire me? And three, that’s not something to talk about now, Morgan. I’m happy. Youjustgot divorced. You have three children. You don’t know what the future will bring and neither do I. Do I want kids? Of course. But I also have extensive trauma and am terrified I will somehow end up like my adoptive parents. I don’t know whomy biological parents are, never cared to research them or look them up.

“I’ve also been too terrified that Richard and Lisa somehow stole me or maybe my parents sold me to them. I didn’t want to know. So many years have passed that it didn’t seem like a good idea to look them up. It’s always been my dream to have my own kids, but I can’t. I don’t even think I would be able to trust another woman to carry my child. I would be a damn basket case. So I don’t think you need to worry about me, Morgan. I love those three girls more than life itself. I like you a lot, but you can’t push me away because of my age. You don’t know everything I have been through, you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to get where I am today.”

I wince and nod, glancing away from her glassy gray eyes. “We’ll talk more tonight. Why don’t we wash up and then figure out what we’re doing for dinner…”

She nods and turns away, picking up her clothes and slipping them back on. “Don’t worry about it. I’m going to go check on Mackenzie. Why don’t you spend time with the girls when they wake up and I’ll cook dinner in about two hours.” She disappears out into the hall, closing the door behind her… I press my palms to my eyes and blow out a slow breath.

Am I just a shit communicator? I don’t even know what I said or did that wasn’t right. I figured they were good points to talk about before I begged her to be mine, when I was ready.

Maybe I shouldn’t have brought that shit up after fucking her… Damn it.

Chapter 15

Lillian

___________

I’m so damn mad I feel like my head is going to explode. Instead of being an adult about it, I’m going to be petulant and allow myself to just be mad. Usually I let it all go, let people just walk all over me, not wanting to deal with the drama or confrontation. Years of therapy couldn’t help who I was at the core.

Terrified.

But right now? I want to punch Morgan. I want to claw at his chest and rip him to pieces.

Who is he to make decisions for me? Who is he to basically tell me that he wants to end this because I’m too young to know what I want? But still fucked me first. Fuck him. Fuck that. Fuck everyone.

My phone starts to vibrate on my nightstand and I scowl at it before I head into my bathroom and start up the shower, leaning against the counter and glaring at my reflection.

My cheeks and chest are still flushed and my hair and clothes are a damn mess. I look freshly fucked, but the harsh glint inmy eyes, the sneer on my face points more toward ‘psychopath about to commit murder’.

I shuck off my clothes and toss them to the ground, stepping into the shower, and letting the water slide over my overheated skin.

I need to get out of the house before I say something I don’t mean, something I’ll regret.

I step out and dry off, letting my wild curls stay where they are to dry naturally. I need to ask Mackenzie if she wants to stay in a hotel with me for the day until tomorrow morning. Or until Morgan needs to be back at the rink.

I get[8] dressed and grab a bag, throwing in some pajamas and comfortable clothes, some toiletries, my phone charger, and phone.

I head out into the hall and hear Morgan talking to the girls in the kitchen. Good. He can feed them.

I knock on Mackenzie’s door and let myself in, closing it behind me and leaning against the wall. “Want to get out of here for a bit? We can go stay at a resort… go swimming, get a massage, and order room service.”

She glances over her shoulder from where she’s sitting in front of the windows in her favorite chair and glances down at the duffel bag in my hand. She nods and stands, still silent as she heads to her closet.

“Are you sure you’re ready to leave the house?”

She huffs and nods. “Yeah, I want to tell you everything… and I have a feeling you have some shit to get off your chest, too.” She tilts her head at me with her knowing gaze.

I slowly nod and close my eyes, staying silent as she packs up some clothes. She slides the straps up her shoulder and grabs her purse, nodding that she’s ready.

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