Page 49 of Balance

She places her hand over her mouth and sobs harder. “Damn it, that is so fucking awful. Are you okay? I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there for you.”

I shake my head and shrug. “It’s not your fault, M. I didn’t tell you. I also haven’t taken the time to deal with it. I had to nanny the girls, then your call. You come first, too. There's nothing I can do right now about Betty. If I let myself succumb to the feelings, the sadness and despair, I have no idea how I’ll be able to crawl out of it. I feel… numb.”

She nods and hugs me tighter, breathing slowly in my ear. “We’re just a right mess aren’t we? What’s been going on today, though? You didn’t seem like yourself earlier.”

I purse my lips and get more comfortable on the floor, leaning back against the bed. I tell her about how Morgan told me that he wanted to talk later tonight… but we ended up fucking after the girls went down for their naps and how he told me that I should want someone with less baggage, is younger, doesn’t have kids. That I should look for someone that actually wants marriage and babies with me.

How he’s basically making the decision for me due to my age, right after he fucked me.

She sighs and blinks at me for a few moments. “Honey, how much does he know? I mean, really, know?”

I chew on my lip and look away from her. “Enough? I think? I know I told him about Rich and Lisa. How they weren’tmy biological parents and that they sold me. He knows about Bradley… about my health.”

She nods. “And does he know about the grooming? The control? How you never even met another child until you were sent to a group home? Didn’t make a friend until Betty and Francis brought you home to San Francisco? How confusing it was for you to start school after never being educated before? How youneverwanted kids until the choice was taken from you when you had your surgeries? The fear and uncertainties about never being able to be normal?”

I cover my face with my hands and sigh so damn heavily that I know the heavens can hear it. “Maybe? I'm pretty sure I've mentioned it.”

She hums. “No… You really need to sit him down, Lill. How serious is this with him?”

I crack a soft smile and gaze over to the windows and lick my dry lips. “I have no idea… I really like him. I love his girls. His strength, his kindness. He’s so damn handsome that it’s hard to look at sometimes. He’s a true leader, a fantastic lover… He stepped up and is doing the best that he can. I love watching him when he’s on the ice, even if I’ve never seen him play in person… He’s just… perfectly imperfect. He knows his faults and doesn’t shy from them. He’s honest, caring. So damn sweet. But he’s making me so fucking frustrated. We've been having issues with communication.”

She smiles and crosses her legs, playing with her fingers in her lap. “You’re falling for him, Lill. You need to just sit him down and tell him everything. How you only froze your eggs because you thought it’s what youshoulddo. You’d been on birth control since Betty took you to the OBGYN for the first time at sixteen and never went off of it because you were terrified of getting pregnant. Then that whole shit relationship with Bradley… I mean, come on. Sure he was a good friend, a greatboss or whatever… But he treated you like crap, cheated on you with like a hundred women, and then fired your ass. Don’t be afraid of Morgan firing you if you fall for him, Lill.”

I frown and close my eyes, thinking. I don’t think that’s been holding me back, I’ve had sex with him twice. I haven’t been distant. That was all him. I haven’t been stopping myself from feeling, only at first because he made it seem like I was only temporary due to my age. And I thought it was inappropriate to lust after my boss. Again.

“Well… How about we order some room service, watch some shitty TV… and tomorrow we will swim and work out.”

She chuckles and we both grab each other’s hands and stand up, hugging one more time. “Deal… But I think you should check your phone. It’s been going off like crazy.”

Chapter 16

Morgan

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I’m frozen as I watch Lillian hug the girls before leaving… Walking down the hall with a duffel bag over her shoulder, holding her friend’s hand as she saunters toward the garage.

Leaving. She’s leaving.

I run my fingers through my hair and close my eyes, blowing out a soft breath. I… I don’t know what happened. I was just hoping she would just choose me. Us. Everything I said came out wrong, I don’t even know what’s happening. I’m a fucking idiot.

Avery sighs and bends down to tell her sisters to go play and she will be there in a second. She turns once Tilly and Nessa are scrambling down the hall and pierces me with a glare. “What did you do, dad? Lillian loves us… and you forced her to leave, didn’t you? Does she not want to be here because mom showed up? Does she not love us, just like mom?”

I drop to my knees before her and shake my head, pulling her into my arms. Fuck. “Oh, Ave. No. Lillian and I… we’re having a little argument right now. She’ll be back, she just wants space, I promise. She loves you girls so much, you girls go to her whenyou want comfort at night. She’s here with you three all day every day and is the best woman in the world. She absolutely loves you.”

She frowns and glances away from me. “Do you love her?”

My breath catches and I clear my throat. “I… I don’t know. I like her a lot. I want her to follow her dreams, though. She’s young, Avery. You’ll understand when you’re a little older. I’m older than her, have you three girls. What if she wants her own kids one day?”

She sighs. “But you don’t love her and don’t want to marry her? Is it because of us?”

I grimace. “We barely broached the subject of kids… Ave, I don’t even know what the he… heck is going on lately. Lillian and I have a lot to talk about but I promise it has nothing to do with you or your sisters. Let’s head into the playroom and I’ll order pizza or something.”

I’m out of it for the rest of the day. I barely manage to get Tilly on the toilet before she’s peeing all over me and the floor, but somehow we made it through the day. We had pizza, popcorn, juice and chips. I have no idea what we’ll do for dinner but probably more takeout.

I’ve been sending Lillian messages and calling her every so often, I’m a nervous wreck not knowing where she is. Avery’s words keep spinning through my addled mind… love?

Maybe? I know I care for her more than I ever let myself feel for Brittany. I think it was just too forced with my ex-wife, because she was pregnant. I used the puck bunnies as needed for sex. I never really had a serious relationship outside of college. There was no point.

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