Page 51 of Balance

Avery has been in her room since we ate dinner and won’t come out when I knock.

All three of my girls are completely anti-dad tonight and I’m exhausted and defeated. Nolan and I barely got a word out before Nessa and Tilly came back into the living room and tackled him. We shoved the beer in the fridge, ordered dinner, and watched a few movies with the girls.

And I stared at my phone.

Now that it’s after eight and the girls were falling asleep on the couch, I thought bedtime would be a breeze.

Fuck, was I wrong.

I lay them down after rocking them again and try to sneak out of the room.

“I want Lily,” Nessa whispers and I chew on my inner cheek. Not in anger or annoyance, but to hold myself back from packing up the girls and searching for her.

“I know, baby. She’ll be back soon, okay? I’ll go call her right now.” Nessa grunts and rolls over, pulling her pink comforter over her head. At least Tilly is asleep finally. I softly close the door and walk across the hall to knock on Avery’s. “I know you’re mad at me, Ave… I just want to say good night.”

I hear a deep sigh and the soft steps from her feet before she swings the door open. Her hair is wet and braided to the side and she’s in pajamas. “I showered and brushed my teeth. I’m just reading and writing right now. When am I getting a phone? I want to call Lily myself.”

I wince and school my face before she can catch it. “How about for Christmas?”

She slowly blinks at me and shuts the door in my face, leaving me feeling even more empty and bereft as before. The four of us were a team when Brittany left and now I’m on the outside.

I pad down the hall and grab the beer before heading out to the back to join Nolan beside the fire, tossing him one.

“Talk to me, man.” Fuck… Anything besides what the hell is going on in my house right now.

Nolan lets out a slow breath and pops open the beer before chugging it down. He stares into the flames and leans back in the chair. “I don’t really know what else to say. I think I need to just go over there and hash this shit out. I’m pissed that James fucked her and didn’t even remember the best sex of his life. I’m pissed that I was prepared to step up and help raise those babies because James was a fucking idiot. Man, even Landon was going to step up with me. It would have been weird but…

“I love her, man… and I have no idea how to make it stop. You know Marie, she’s, fuck, she’s perfect. Gorgeous, fucking smart as hell. James doesn’t deserve her and I have no idea why she’s with him. They’re engaged, planning on setting the date for next summer. It’s been months and I just can’t get over it. I can fake it at the rink and on the ice. In the locker room. But aloneat home?” He shakes his head and tosses down the empty can between us on the grass before grabbing another. “Maybe I just can’t be here.”

My brows furrow and I tilt my head at him. “Are you thinking about removing your no-trade clause?”

He shrugs. “Maybe?”

“Fuck no, you’re not going to run away. You’re going to go over to their house and talk this out with them. You’re going to congratulate them and tell them how you feel. James will fucking agree with you, man. He was a fucking mess when he found out about the babies. He went to therapy and busted his ass to be a better man, he did the right thing and stepped up. You can’t disregard all of the good he’s done for himself and his family because he was a fucking idiot and an asshole before he knew the truth.”

He grunts and sips from the can before sending me a look. “That would be the logical thing, wouldn’t it? But love isn’t logical. I was an idiot for years. Marie and I had flings, one-night stands, and had fun at parties. But I never asked for more. She slipped through my fingers and that’s on me. I just feel like shit and can’t stand seeing them.”

I nod slowly and glance at the flames, watching the smoke curl up towards the star-lit sky. “Well, at least you can be honest about your shortcomings.” We stay outside, warming beside the fire until one AM. We ran out of beer long ago, but I brought out a bottle of tequila from my freezer and we polished that off, too. I told him everything about Lillian and me, nothing personal about her, aside from her not being able to have kids and how she had a hard childhood.

I told him that Mackenzie has been living here and he begs to know how she looks. I give him a quick description and watch him contemplate making a move this weekend at the cookout.This man seriously needs some mental help. I told him to keep his fucking hands to himself because she’s been through a lot.

We talk about the girls, the upcoming cookout. And eventually everyone else outside of Lillian and Marie.

Thank fuck because I’m so damn close to drunk dialing her and begging her to come home. To love me and never leave me. That I will send my sperm to the center her eggs are frozen at and we can pick a surrogate if that would make her happy. How I will fire her and just offer her a ring, help her get a job, and find another nanny.

My mind is a fucking mess. I need Lillian.

Chapter 17

Lillian

__________

After I hang up on Morgan with a wince, I step out onto the balcony and sit down on a chair before dialing Andy. He had asked me if I wanted the truth about my birth and adoption, and I remember shrugging. I didn’t think anything would really come out from the inquiries. I guess I just didn’t have enough faith in the power of money and whatever else this attorney does for Morgan. Or I guess mostly their PI.

I stare out over the skyline and shiver when the breeze envelops me. I wonder if it’s going to snow soon. I don’t remember the last time I’ve actually seen snow in person.

Andy answers almost immediately. “Lillian… Thank you for calling me back. How are you?”

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