Page 53 of Balance

I try to smile but it falls flat. “Maybe we can both find a good therapist, I thought I was done with therapy, but I doubt I everwill be…” I tell her about the phone call with Andy, about my biological parents, and Betty’s kids.

She sighs and wraps me up in her arms. “Come on, let’s get some sleep. Tomorrow you need to get back to Morgan, you need to talk to that man. You need to hug those girls and know that everything will be okay. You deserve this night away, but your new life, your home is with them.”

I frown and blink my swollen, blurry eyes up at her. “What?”

She rolls her green eyes and flicks my nose. “You love him. You love those three little girls. They’re your family, your real family, now. I’ll always be here… hell, I technically live with you right now. But we need to get you home so that you can fall apart in Morgan’s big, strong arms. Maybe get some good dick… and then cuddle those sweet little babies. That’s all that matters right now. Not Betty’s demon children, not your evil adoptive parents and maybe psycho, piece of shit biological parents. Keep your chin up, babe. You have so many people around you that love you.”

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We park in the garage at seven in the morning and I stare down at my hands that are still curled around the steering wheel. I’m not ready to face him. Do I love him? I know that I love those three beautiful angels. Avery, Nessa, and Tilly are the little lights of my life.

But can I be with a man that wants to make decisions for me? Real life, life altering decisions? I know for a fact that I’mfallingin love with him. Somehow. I can’t get him out of my mind. I want him to be happy, to retire or to continue playing hockey. To stay here in Minnesota or move to New York to be closer to his parents.

I want to be with him, but apparently I have no idea what I want, right?

What I want doesn’t matter because I’m not even thirty. He thinks that I should be with a guy my age that doesn’t have children yet, or any ‘baggage’. As if an ex-wife and three beautiful children are baggage… If they are, then I want it all. I want that baggage. I want to grow old with Morgan, even if he’s done having kids. I don’t have to have biological children to be happy.

I just want him. Fuck, do I want him. Even his scowls and his sharp words.

His body, how much he loves his little family. His drive, his passion. How much he cares, even if his words can come out jilted and hurtful.

His touch, the way he looks at me. The way we talk to each other as much as we can.

Mackenzie clears her throat and opens up her car door, stepping out before she bends back down to send me a look. “I’m going to go play some loud music, take a nice hot bath, and then go on a long walk. Have that talk with your man, Lil. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have a man like him in your life. Kind, loving, and supportive, even if you disagree on what he said. He loves you, Lillian… even if he doesn’t know it yet.” She winks at me and grabs her bag from the back seat before she saunters into the house, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

I blow out a slow breath and close the garage before I pluck up my bags and shuffle to the door. Is this too soon? Should I move out and not sleep here when he’s home?

Is he going to fire me? Kick me out? Tell me that he’s not changing his mind and doesn’t want this to go anywhere?

Maybe he just wants someone older, someone that isn’t broken and can have children, or already has children of their own. Even if he says he’s too old for more children. Maybe he was just letting me down easy.

I shake my head at myself and close the door behind me before practically racing to my own room. The house is silent. So either the girls are still sleeping, or they’re out back or something.

I step into my room and notice that my bed is still made, my closet door is still thrown open, and there’s still some of my clothes scattered on the floor from when I packed up hastily. Were the girls okay last night? Did they sleep with their dad? I hope they went to him for comfort. I’m not sure I can stay here, live here, and watch him date and fall in love with someone else.

I already showered this morning, so I just toss my bags on the floor at the end of my bed, slip out of my shoes, and then stalk to the kitchen. It doesn’t smell like anyone made anything yet, so I get started on scrambling up some eggs, scooping up some avocado, and chopping fruit.

Avery sleepily joins me in the kitchen and wraps her arms around me, burying her head into my side. “Please don’t leave, Lily… I love you.”

I frown and hug her back, bending down to kiss her head. “I’m always here for you, Ave. Did you sleep okay last night?”

She shrugs and still holds on, so I try to finish up breakfast with her wrapped around me like an octopus.

“I slept with Nessa and Tilly in their room last night.”

I shake my head and lightly move around so that I can plate everything on the island. She reluctantly lets go and helps me by grabbing some water and juice from the fridge before pouring everything in glasses and a sippy cup for Tilly.

“What about your dad?”

She sends me a look. “I don’t know… Nolan was over last night, they were in the backyard when Nessa woke me up. So we just went back into her room instead of bothering them.”

I chuckle and wash my hands before I set her plate over at her stool. “Your dad would have dropped everything to comfort yougirls, I hope you know that.” I wink at her and lean down to start eating my food. I hear Tilly and Nessa coming our way, so I rush over to grab the high chair before they tackle me and make a big mess.

I scoop them both up into my arms and kiss their heads. I breathe in the sweet scent of their shampoo and close my eyes. I feel the hot tears building up behind my eyes. I don’t know if I can ever walk away from these girls.

I knew that from day one.

I stand, clear my throat, and get them situated with their food. I try to send them a smile, but I know that it falls flat. I really need to talk to Morgan.

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