Page 29 of Break

“More words without any meaning to it,” I grumble.

He can say those words until he’s blue in the face. It doesn’t mean he means them. So many people say things because they know that’s what the other person wants to hear.

It isn’t genuine. It’s calculated.

“I’ll prove it, Hope,” he says. “Whether you forgive me or not, I’ll prove I never meant… that I’ve become better.”

A part of me wants to believe that. I want to believe he’s gotten better, that he knows that what he did was wrong, but he won’t even admit it. He said I liked it. I just knew what would happen if I said no.

Although, based on Jax’s reaction to my dad, maybe that would have been enough.

But it doesn’t matter. They didn’t wait for the yes. And thanks to them and my dad, I’m fucked up. I know that plenty of people who’ve dealt with sexual assault find ways to cope and consensual nonconsent play is a part of that, but I can’t help but wonder who I’d be if things had been normal, if I’d never dealt with any of that.

And that’s something I’ll never get to know. It’ll always be a ‘what if’.

Even if the guys prove they’re sorry, I won’t forgive them. I don’t have to. I won’t. They can do better somewhere else, but the best thing they can do for me is leave me alone.

Before theybreakme even more than I already am.

Sixteen

Iexpect hell today at work. I expect the guys trying to get my attention, to get me to talk, but I can’t. I just don’t want to exist. My father being out of the picture is a step forward, but I’m bitter.

I force a smile while at work, but I don’t go out of my way to make conversation. When all the guys come in to work on the machines, I keep my distance.

Jaxon glances at me every now and again, then Coach motions tohis hands.

Instead of coming to me to take care of them, he goes to another physical therapist. His right hand is ripped up and I know why.

I was there for that.

Jaxon didn’t let me go far. I think he hesitated before taking me there, but he did it. He’s not innocent either. None of the three are.

I notice Dimitri watching me as he takes a break. He’s buff, really buff, and looks exhausted and… full of remorse. When I meet his light gray eyes, the eyes that have haunted my nightmares for years, he looks away and runs his hand through his black hair.

It’s an oddly quiet day.

Even with the call I got from the police station. Even though my knees bounce as I don’t want to deal with a trial. It still feels like a quiet day.

After Jaxon, then Knox, my dad will probably feel safer in jail as long as he doesn’t say what he’s in for. So this safety, this peace, I cling to it as tight as I can.

When I come back from lunch, I find flowers in my office. The lilies and orchids are so beautiful that I gently stroke one of the blooms. A part of me hopes it’s something from a friend, or a thanks from Coach Carpenter for all I’ve done.

The flowers are beautiful and warm, so colorful and natural and wild. I smile until I see the card.

It saysTruly Sorryand is signed by all three of the guys. I glower at the flowers and wrap my hands around the stems, then throw them in the garbage.

Those assholes think that flowers are going to do anything for me? They’re salt in the wound! If they can be this understanding, if they recognize all the things that are wrong now, why couldn’t they have done it before?

They never asked me my opinion on things. They assumed. When I’d try to talk, they’d shut me up or tell me not to lie.

My throat bobs and my eyes burn.

The best kind of apology they can give me is leaving me alone. I don’t want to hear them calling me ‘sweetheart’. I don’t want them watching me. I don’t want them telling me they’re sorry. I don’t want them in my life!

It’s bad enough that Knox lives on my floor. It’s bad enough that Dimitri showed me his cock less than a week ago, acting like I wanted it. It’s bad enough that Jaxon carried me to my dad just to let him touch me before beating him up.

It’s all too little and too late.

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