Page 31 of Don't Let Him In

“They said they were coming for me, coming for you, coming for the boys. I had no choice, Amanda. I had no choice.”

“Twenty years, Damian! You had twenty years to let me know you were still alive! To say something to the boys.”

“You were all better off without me, don’t you see?”

“No! No, we were not better off without you! We were lost without you! Whatever it was, we could have worked through it. We could have moved away. Together.”

I simply shake my head and turn my hands palms up, as if to express the dead end of the conversation. There is nowhere else to go. What’s done is done. The past is in the past.

“So,” she says defeatedly. “What’s going on? Why are you here?”

“I need somewhere to stay. Just for a few weeks.”

“How did you find me?”

I bat the question away. You have to be actively trying to keep your location secret these days if you don’t want anyone to be able to find you. “I’ve known where you live for years, Amanda. I’ve been keeping an eye on you.”

She shudders, as if a chill has just run through her. “Oh.”

“And the boys. I’ve seen them. Over the years. They look great.”

And they do. Grown men now, of twenty-two and twenty-four. The older one, Sam, he looks like me. Tall and rangy with great hair. The younger one, Joel, he’s a bit of a shrimp but has that swagger in his walk that some smaller men have. I can tell from looking at him that he has no problem finding girls, have seen him once or twice with some very good-looking ones. The boys are fine. I know they’re fine. They didn’t need me then, and they don’t need me now.

“Oh my God, Damian,” she gasps, letting her face drop into her hands. When she raises her head again, she’s smiling, but it’s a kind of warped smile, like her face doesn’t know what else to do. “This is all too much. All way too much. I can’t deal with this. Where’ve you even been?”

Such a good question. Truly. Where have I been? I’m not even sure myself.

“I’ve been living with a woman,” I say. “Outside London. She has grown-up children. Older than the boys.”

“And?” She eyes me coolly.

“And… she’s trying to kill me.”

She rolls away from me slightly and blinks. “I’m sorry, what?”

“She’s not accepted the end of the relationship. She’s been stalking me. Threatening to kill me. She’s changed all the passwords to our bank accounts so I can’t get my money. She’s conned me out of thousands and thousands. She’s mad, Amanda. Totally mental. And I have a heart condition—it’s, well, the prognosis isn’t great, and the stress, it’s taking its toll, and today I just knew that it was enough. It was over, I had to get away. I burned everything, Amanda, everything that could identify me, and I came here.”

“You came here? With a dangerous woman in pursuit?”

“But that’s the thing. She doesn’t know me by my real name. I changed my identity. She doesn’t know about you. She doesn’t know about my past. And I have a new consultant. For my heart. He’s based at St. George’s. I can get there so easily from here. And I promise you, Amanda, I promise, it will only be for a few weeks. Not even that. Maybe even days. But I beg of you, please, please just say yes. I will pay you back. I will make things right. Just tell me what you want from me, and I will give it to you.”

She stares at the tabletop; her fingers are splayed out in front of her, and she ripples them gently as if playing the piano. “I don’t want anything from you, Damian. I just don’t want to ever feel the way I felt when they told me you were dead. Ever again.”

“You won’t. I won’t. Those days are over. Those people are gone. I’m here now, I’m back. I can be in your life. We could even…” I shake my head and smile wryly, as if such a thing would never be countenanced. But it will be countenanced. I know it will. Amanda was always nuts about me. She adored me. And I can see it even now, in the way she tilts her head at me, the way her fingers find her hair, the way even now, during this ridiculous conversation that should have her running for the fucking hills, she’s holding in her stomach.

TWENTY-NINE

Where are you off to?” Ash asks her mum on Saturday morning.

Nina is wearing a huge raincoat and full makeup and sliding her feet into chunky walking boots.

“Nick’s taking me to look at something.”

Ash’s stomach turns. “To look at what?”

“I don’t know. He just called. Said to dress for the weather. I’m meeting him in Bangate, near the beach.”

“Bangate Cove?”

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