Page 66 of Duke

Spence: Me too. Where are you?

Me: On my way to her place. Meet me there?

Spence: Okay.

Sliding my phone back in my pocket, my shoulders slump with the truth: I’ve been using him, leaning on him to get me through these past months. It’s not fair. I hate needy, clingy people and I’ve slowly been turned into one. He deserves better. He deserves a woman who can fully commit.

My hand turns the key Duke gave me into the lock. The door to her condo slowly opens. I’m not sure what to expect. I never knew her. But I never imagined this. It’s modern, chic. The walls are painted a muted grey with high gloss black trim woodwork and matching dark hardwood floors. Two couches sit in the middle of the room. The faint smell of cigarettes smoke still clings in the air combined with another scent that I long remember—her—Mom. It’s a soft combination of jasmine and wine.

The fuzz around my memory clears. I guess, I wanted to remember her, a certain way; fantasize a little bit. Pausing in the center of the room, I remember how her breath always smelled sweet when she tucked me in. I was too young and naïve to know what it was at the time—cheap boxed wine on her lips. I pass the kitchen, stopping at the frame of the bedroom. I feel his hand at my back.

“Are you sure that you are ready for this?”

I nod my head. Spence follows me in.

“I’m hungry. Do you mind going and getting some takeout?”

“Are we going to talk about this? About him?”

“I-I’m sorry. I just can’t right now.”

“Whatever. I’ve been patient, but I won’t be played.”

He kisses the top of my head, sighing as he leaves. My breath exhales in relief. I need to do this alone. Walking over to her dresser my hands find a glass bottle of perfume. Unscrewing the top, I hold it up to my nose. Falling back onto her bed; I fall back in time, the scent of her opens the floodgates. Every year that went by I never gave up hope that she would come back. I might have showed the world my brave face, but deep down I was just a little girl who wanted her mommy. But she never came and now she’s gone, leaving me with so many unanswered questions.

On shaky legs, I get up and open her closet. It’s pristine. Her clothing is hung by color, arranged like a store. Her life might have been a goddamn mess, but her home is orderly. My hands push the perfect clothing aside; I gasp seeing a box with my name penned in ink.

Taking it off the shelf, I bring it back to her bed, pausing for a brief moment before opening the lid.

My eyes brim with tears, pictures of me and her lay on top of a few old journals. My fingers riffle through the photos of her holding me as a baby before I flip open the first journal.

My Dear Baby Girl,

This is my story. I hope you can forgive me for the choices I made. I am far from perfect; truthfully I’m a coward and selfish. I’m not strong like you. I loved two men, and my foolish heart destroyed lives. I fled, ran from the mess I made, and I hoped that in leaving, I’d spare you from the stain of my sins.

Love you to the moon and back baby girl.

MA

Opening her first journal, I gasp at the date. It’s her whole life. Her first diary begins when she was fifteen. I quickly take the rest out of the box. Flipping open the last one, I leaf through the pages. The last entry was written two years ago. I have her entire life; recorded here in my hands.

“You found them.”

My head jerks up in surprise. He’s quiet for such a monster of a man.

“Your father wanted me to check on ya’ and Duke needed to know you’ll be okay.”

I shrug placing the journals back in the box. “I’ll be fine. Men like you raised me. I’ve heard of you… you’re Will, right?”

“Yeah, guilty as charged. I knew your Ma. We hung out sometimes.”

I shrug. “You mean you fucked her, right?”

He shrugs, “She had a rough life. We had a lot in common. But I can already see you have a strength in you she never had.”

“Little good it’s doing me. I gave my heart to the wrong man, just like she did.”

“Fuck. I don’t do girl talk. But Duke… he’s changing shit for good. He’d never cheat on the woman he marries. That fucked up shit both your parents’ pulled—isn’t him.”

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